A Recovery Guide for forming accountability groups. To recognize self defeating ways of communicating. To create accountability through study and journaling in a support group setting. To gain insight, perspective and resilience and lessen frustration, despair and isolation. To grow in integrity and strength of character and turn from neglect or abuse to genuine fellowship with God and His people. This is a supplement, not a replacement to Celebrate Recovery. See more at: jackandcarla-youtube
photo from http://kevinmartineau.ca/5-ways-to-have-a-nervous-breakdown/
WHEN IS ANGER A PROBLEM?
Have you noticed that anger and fear are stressful? Anger expends a great deal of emotional energy. Prolonged, sustained anger is at the core of many illnesses. It is very important to learn how not to be angry unless it is absolutely called for. Unnecessary anger is hazardous to your health!
Problems with Intensity and Duration
(double click picture to see better detail)
Problem with Style?
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Anger is a problem when it is...:
diagrams from Tim Lahaye's "Anger is a Choice"
1. Too frequent:
It places your body under constant stress. List the times you have felt anger in the last week.
a. The times you remember.
b. The times you think those around you would remember.
c. If you can ask a person close to you without causing conflict, ask them and then compare your perspectives.
2. Too intense: Anger, Bitterness and Resentment can be strong emotions that interfere with our ability to function. List times when these emotions….
a. Made it difficult or impossible to concentrate or think straight because of anger, bitterness or resentment.
b. Times when your anger affected your work performance, or interfered with work relationships.
c. (Include misperceptions that occurred because of your emotional state.)
3. Too Aggressive: It can be passive or active. Loosing control can be displayed through outburst, gestures and actions, or denial, avoidance and resistance.
Remember “The Boy Who Cried Wolf?” List the times you can remember feeling like you were under the control of your aggressive or passive aggressive tendencies.
a. Physically aggressiveness toward others.
b. Emotional aggressiveness toward others.
c. Passively aggressive toward others.
d. (include making others wait, pretending you didn’t here them, not making an effort to understand them, or changing the subject to confuse them, etc…)
e. Passively aggressive toward self.
f.(include risk taking behaviors that were motivated by anger more at yourself than the situation, like driving recklessly, alcohol or drug use, risky relationships, etc…)
g. Physically aggressive toward property.
h. Passively aggressive toward property.
i. (include avoidance or denial of the need to maintain, or use caution with possessions and property and carelessness motivated by anger.)
4. Too long: Bitterness is nothing more than prolonged anger. It goes hand-in-hand with unforgiveness. It not only drains you emotionally and physically, but also spiritually.
a. Describe how bitterness has affected you.
b. Describe how bitterness has affected those around you.
Consider the following:
NIV Ephesians 4:26-32. 26. In your anger don’t sin: Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27. and don’t give the devil a foothold. 28. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need. 29. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
5. Sinful forms of Anger : What are your thoughts about this passage?
Earlier we looked at unhealthy boundaries that were, “more aggressive.” Now let’s look again at how our passive, or unguarded boundaries can put us more at risk of aggressive actions by others.
We may also have patterns acting passive aggressively toward self or our loved ones and we may even feel the need to retaliate and escalate aggression when others violate our unguarded boundaries.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
(passive/unguarded)
Conversationally: Telling more than you feel comfortable with later. Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting. Fear of talking at all because you may say too much.
Relationships: Trusting too quickly in any one who reaches out. Becoming preoccupied with someone. Adapting your behavior and values to please others.
Sexuality: Being sexual when you didn’t want too. Being sexual for someone else, not self.
Awareness: Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries. Not noticing when someone displays poor boundaries.
Interactions: Accepting food, gifts, touch, etc that you don’t want. Allowing unwanted touching. Lacking or avoiding assertiveness and limit setting.
Personal Power: Letting others direct your life, make your choices, and determine your identity. Expectations Believing others can anticipate your-needs. Expecting others to fulfill your needs automatically. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
Self care: All forms of self abuse including addictions. Not stopping abuse done to you by others
As you can see from the previous section our bodies have a powerful reaction to real and imagined threats of harm or loss. We have strong impulses that occur almost automatically. If we are to gain control of these impulses, we have to become good managers of our bodies as well as our thoughts and emotions.
The first step is to become aware of our physiological response patterns. Second we become more aware of our motivations and needs.Finally we learn to live effectively within our limitations. We will lessen our limitations, and gain greater control as we continue. Our goal is to develop skills to protect ourselves from feeling overwhelmed, and to develop the habit of living our daily lives without loosing control of our emotions. Journaling is how we gather information and evaluate our progress. Below is a journal developed to help discover early signs of stress that affect both our bodies and minds, including the beliefs that drive our actions and words. It is created to show us how we respond or react to stress and distress. It may be necessary to view the instructions for journaling on a computer due to distortion on the phone screen. With a printer connected you will also be able to print the sheets for personal journaling. Journaling shortly after a stressful event is the most effective strategy, even if there are several in a short period of time. Patterns will become visible after about four of five entries and identifying exit or disengagement options an early goal. As a support person your job is to listen and explore the early signs. Not lecture or criticize, encourage and ask good questions.
Consequences are a late sign. The goal is to become more comfortable with stressful situations and not be blindsided by them. To discover ways to accept and take responsibility for our own emotions and treat ourselves and those around us in a more deliberate and positive manner. To learn to trust God in the storm. It may be helpful to attack the habit of journaling as a task like any other task you would do on a job for an employer. Even if you did not have a significant, (guilt producing) event you should journal at least once a week for the first two months and share with your group. This will help you to grow in honesty and self awareness.
The knowledge you gain from journaling and sharing your posting will be helpful, but the heart change that occurs from completing this Devotional will make the changes much more permanent, otherwise we will only have a temporary crisis reduction.
(turn phone sideways and use rectangle in top right corner to see instructions for the next section)
The journal (description), can be identified as Anger, Frustration, Irritation, or whatever you call it.
Event Intensity 1= annoyed, 3 irritated, 5 upset, 7 disturbed, 8 agitated, 9 livid, 10 out of control
() Journal
-Number Rating
-Sweating, heart pounding, tight jaw or shoulders, twitching, upset stomach, poor vision, decreased concentration, shaking, gritting teeth, dry mouth, etc. -Slamming, throwing or kicking things around, roughness, carelessness, mumbling to self, swearing
-Trying to hurt or cause harm to people, their property, their dignity or reputation. Describe type and intensity, and immediate effect on relationship.
-What happened, give the details, also give the event that may have led up to, or precipitated the event and attempts to avoid or diffuse it.
-Why not? or How long was it? Did you make an appointment to return? Did you identify goals and problem solve or ruminate during the time out? How did it help? Did it make things worse?
-Did you go passive hold it in and then boil inside. -Escalate it and try to prove…, or force the issue.
-OR Direct it toward a goal NOT SELECTED IN ANGER?.
-This is about motivations. What we feel is happening. What it means to us. What we really wantedor thought we were loosing and what we would truly like if we could be more realistic. (may include reasonable compromise)
-Working off the frustration through exercise, work, busyness and distraction. How well did it work? Was anything accomplished?
Amount of time spent?
Quantity, and the affect it had on you as a person, and those around you....
What you are saying in your mind, and under your breath. It is important to check it and replace distortions with truth. We need to self talk the truth, and reject the untruths.
above modified from ,”Velvet Steel”,
a class Created by Theo Johnson
scroll down to continue
As we journal we will watch for patterns..... In time it will be easy to recognize the process of loosing control, not only of our temper and emotions, but also of our effectiveness in dealing with others in difficult situations.
Our first goal is to simply interrupt the anger process by implementing the Emergency Plan presented in Chapter 2.
It can be summarized as...
LEAVINGthe conflict to regain control of your own emotions....
Whenyou find yourself needing to TELL or TALK,ATrather than Talking With,oryouWithdraw to RELOADyour arguments...
STOP because in your current state, YOU are NOT ABLE TO LISTEN constructively.
And one or both are merely engaged in the conversation to strike out or strike back or overpower....
Instead of overpoweringyou CAN demonstrate leadership and excuse yourself, Stating honestly, "I" am having difficulty listening.... even if they throwing things at you as you go out the door....
to return in 1 hour. Either to that location.... or meet in a public place if there is likelihood of abuse from either person.
This plan can be modified as our awareness and self control increase. Many times you will not be able to make a statement like the one above, but you can follow through with a similar plan.
Even taking a 5 minute break in the bathroom can allow time for some of the stress and anger to dissipate if you do it early in the process. If you continue on our path to self awareness you will discover there are many options that you can use to get rid of stress.
Experiencing less stress and having options to gain a greater sense of self control will be very satisfying. As we continue journaling our goal will be to create new replacement habits and extinguish the beliefs and habits that feed the Cycle of Abuse.
Print off and use the following form and use it to monitor your progress.
Complete a single column for each significant occurrence of a stressful situation. Remember the goal in journalling is self discovery.
We want to make changes in the critical moments, so those critical moments are the moments that we need to journal about. Anytime we have one we should journal about it using the guide on the 1st page.
(double click form to see better detail
before taking screen shot of picture for printing)
photo from http://www.manhusbanddad.com/vocation/man/twelve-righteous-virtues/
We will begin with a couple of testimonies from this author
and one of his pastors about struggles in this culture.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W52-H5-6qW8
THE SELF SYSTEM
Modern attempts to understand human behavior are labeled Psychology, and Psychiatry. These disciplines were founded at the turn of the last century and continue to be structured after the models of practice used by their founders.
Views in Psychology and Psychiatry are more fluid than those in most of the scientific or medical disciplines. Preferred views and practices have freely flowed with changing social values, emerging ethical dilemmas and preferred hypothesis and theory, as have interpretations of observation and research findings.
Medications have played a major role for treatment in modern Psychiatric conditions. During a psychotic episode, where the ability to distinguish reality is lost due to faulty processing of thoughts and emotions antipsychotic medications are by far, the fastest working and most effective short term treatment.
Some Questions about Psychiatric Meds
What do antipsychotic med do?
Are they drugs that people abuse?
Are they a crutch for weakness of character?
Are they a replacement for
dependence on God?
Doesn't the Bible teach against this
when it talks about
(pharmakeia,) in Rev 9:21.
Where it says:
"They used drugs for doing sorcery
and witchcraft."
Could these medications be a form of
witchcraft or sorcery?
Answer: This word is found in three texts. In each you will see a list of lawless, (disinhibited) acts, i.e., murders, sorceries, fornications and thefts.
Considering that drugs and alcohol use are key disinhibiting factors leading to these acts it is clear that getting people high,(disinhibited)to do lawless spiritual acts, (witchcraft and sorceries), or lawless physical acts like, (murders, fornications and thefts), is what is being condemned along with their unrepentant attitudes.
I am very certain that, "pharmakeia," does not refer to antipsychotic meds because Antipsychotics meds do exactly the opposite.
Antipsychotics make people less high and less disinhibited. They are exactly the opposite of intoxicants because they reduce Dopamine and Norepinephrine activity in the brain by reducing our sensitivity them.
When triggered by alcohol or drug use Dopamine disinhibits us and makes us feel, "high," as it stimulates pathways that bypass our higher, more cautious ways of thinking. This relaxing of the deeper processing can feel exciting. It can falsely change the boring to the exciting, funny to hilarious and even general feelings of attraction to irrational acts of intense sexual compulsion. It can change anger to rage, fear to terror and general suspicion into paranoia or acts of false honor or revenge as in gang related attacks.
Dopamine is what stimulates the brain to over process what seems intensely important in all people and it is what activates faulty processing in people that are pone to delusions or hallucinations.
Since the Dopamine neural pathway is shared by the fight or flight adrenaline-survival response system, the beliefs responses and emotions experienced in this area of our thinking are a very high priority and cannot be easily dismissed even if they appear completely illogical. It is experienced as though our very survival depends on our continued attention to these intense thoughts or mental experiences, often described as hallucinations.
As our bodies return to a normal state if we are not experiencing a mental illness, these beliefs and emotions and or hallucinations will dissipate. If we are prone to psychosis due to conditions like (Schizophrenia or Schizo-affective disorder), our innate over sensitivity to these natural chemicals residing on our adrenaline neural-pathway, we may need to continue to take antipsychotics even at normal stress levels. If we stop them completely, symptoms of psychosis will usually return. Perhaps not immediately, but when we become sufficiently stressed, they usually will return.
Triggering Stresses May Include the Following:
Being overwhelmed with a startling or frightening situation.
Being overwhelmed with a loss or damage of an important relationship.
Being overwhelmed with having to adapt to constant, rapid change.
Being overwhelmed with worries about your finances or future.
Being overwhelmed with major life event, such as changing jobs or moving to a new home, getting married, the birth of a child.
Being overwhelmed by juggling many roles and responsibilities.
Going from one stressful situation to the next without taking time to relax.
Being overwhelmed by the technology designed to help us. Keeping up with our cell phone messages, e-mails, and text messages, blended families....
Get Prompt Medical Attention if any of the following happen
• Feeling like your symptoms are of a known PTSD, Bipolar, Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective condition are getting worse (increased hallucinations, or agitation, especially to harm self or others)
• Unable to eat or sleep or care for yourself for more than 48 hours
• Feeling out of control like you want to harm yourself or another person
PTSD
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can have many of the same signs and symptoms listed above. If you or a loved one, or you are experiencing any of these symptoms seek help and support for the sake of yourself and those that feel close to you or even just do it for Anthony and Stephanie and their children sake.....
Bipolar is described as an illness because of the Very Strong, Uncontrollable Changes in Mood, Energy Levels, Confidence Levels and sometimes Psychotic thoughts and actions.
In a Manic Episode, it's All Gas Pedal and no Brakes.
Life is amazing! You think fast and very confidently. But you quickly become impatient and irritated with others and have lots energy to do a myriad of things very quickly (and most often very poorly). You have Unquestioning Confidence and Endless Energy, Amazing Ideas and Motivations and Energy to pursue all kinds of loosely connected interests.
AND.... Your life becomes
DISORGANIZED, CHAOTIC
and DISINHIBITED
compared to your balanced self.
There may be unusual spending sprees, sexual acting-out, drug use, conflicts and rage or even violence against yourself or strangers. Sometimes there is no interest in food or sleeping for many days at a time.
Your speech becomes rapid and difficult for others to understand as you jump from one thought stream to another. You eventually exhaust the people around you and become separated from them by the intensity of your Amazing thoughts and feelings.
In a Depressive Episode
it's All Brakes
and No Gas Pedal.
Life? What life? You lack interest, confidence and energy. There is no such thing as a good idea. You feel depressed and worthless, slow tired and hopeless. You may have thoughts of self harm and suicide and often become isolated and withdrawn by the intensity of your own thoughts and feelings.
Between phases life is good, but that is what makes this condition easy to ignore. When you are finally able to deal with the problem, it's gone.
People with this condition will usually have to treat it all of their life. Medication and good care can greatly reduce the symptoms. Do not change medication without your Dr's instructions. Do not Isolate. Stay connected to friends and family. Seek out a support group to talk about your struggles, thoughts and feelings.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness www.nami.org (phone 800-950-6264). has information as to where you can see a Dr. and where you can find a support group. Celebrate Recovery at many churches also can provide a support group base to increase personal responsibility.
The exact cause of Bipolar is unknown, but it is usually treated with either a buffer salt like, "Lithium," to modify nerve reaction potential or a variety of anti-seizure medications.
The purpose of these meds are to calm the overactive functional part of the brain, either, what I call, The Thought Originator, "Gas Pedal," or the, Thought Checker, " Brake." These meds help to allow these parts of our being to work in better balance.
There are genetic markers for Bipolar, Schizophrenia, and Schizo-affective disorder in families and the use of depressants like marijuana and alcohol, or stimulants like Meth, or other amphetamines and cocaine, as well as hallucinogens like LSD, etc. increase it's likelihood of occurrence.
Get Prompt Medical Attention if any of the following happen to you:
• Feeling like your symptoms are of a known Bipolar condition are getting worse (depression, agitation, excess energy) • Unable to eat or sleep for more than 48 hours
photo from http://ibpf.org/blog/psychosis
Medications are also used to reduce the intensity and severity of many emotional conditions. In these cases, medication alone, without attempts to address and alter self-defeating thought and behavior patterns can only provide limited improvement at best.
Modern Psychology:
A Science led by a Philosophy
As a science, Psychology is established squarely on the principles espoused in the tenants of Humanism as describe in Manifestos I, II and III.
It views humankind as a collection of autonomous beings that are influenced by their fellow persons and interdependent on them, but not necessarily responsible to them in a truly moral sense. Modern Psychology adamantly denies any responsibility to a higher being, or power, or Creator per se, allowing instead for each individual to hold their own views autonomously.
In this way each person functions as ultimate authority and judge as to what is right and acceptable to them. Problems as presented from the psychological viewpoint do not have a moral aspect to them. The goal of treatment does not include the development of charter, but the resolution of conflict and finding personal comfort.
In psychology, a problems only becomes a problem if it interferes with a person’s ability to get their needs met.Since it is abasic human need to be accepted socially, crime, social wrongdoing, and abhorrent behavior becomes a problem because of the consequences to self and others that they create, and not for any intrinsically moral reason.
In a sense, until significant negative consequences occur, or a habit gets, "too far," out of control,no problem exists. Not surprisingly, effort to conceal or minimize far exceed efforts toward improvement or change in attitude or behaviors and social accommodation of deviance is often the expected solution.
Since persons are thought to be autonomous beings, self-actualization, or as the Army puts it in their slogan, “Be all that you can be,” has become our new purpose for existence. It follows that valuing oneself highly enough to attain your goals, or, having “High Self-esteem,” is viewed as the key ingredient for success, and “Low Self-Esteem,” a sure prescription for a crippled existence as a failed human being.
Since the freedom for personal autonomy and individuality is presented as the new foundation for all civil rights, we are cautioned or even condemned and punished if we make traditional judgments or seem to be be critical of others and their quest for seemingly voluntary suffering.
Today variations in ethical behavior and morality, are applauded and encouraged giving rise to “special rights and privileges for some, “ while the troubling and confusing effects and costs of these behaviors are generally ignored.
We are told that we are inherently free to independently, ”live our own lives; on our own terms.” That we should find the courage to, “break loose and do our own thing.”
That we should do it boldly on display for all the world to see!
Consequently personal accountability has diminished and primary connections and attachments have moved from those of the nuclear family to “communities of choice,“ thathold values similar to our own.
Subsequent to this change in thinking, the younger generation and the merchandisers who influence them have taken the lead in setting new social norms.
Opportunity without restriction has been their experience, and rebellion and the formation of a culture that venerates anti-heroes.
Our new standard. To, “not care," especially about norms, is the motto of many of our youth, and it is displayed in all areas of life.
Low Self-esteem is rampant and most people complain of feeling alienated and disconnected. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among people under the age of twenty-five, and Loneliness the number one emotion leading to the act.
Unfortunately our dream of living an autonomous life, and, “being all that you can be,” or, “doing your own thing,” without regard for your created purpose can lead to a very lonely and painful existence.
THE RUT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL
INTERVENTION ALONE
Modern Psychology describes the mind, will, and emotions of a person as,
THESELF SYSTEM.
It is described as a dynamic system that is capable of making adjustments to find a balanced state. This Self System functions to maintain a sense of stability through, “healthy adjustments.” These adjustments are usuallymotivated by attempts to seek or maintain comfort and avoid pain or difficulty.
Unfortunately, it is usually the path most familiar, or that of least effort or seeming resistance. It rarely is directed toward optimal functioning.
Theself system can both under adjust and be overwhelmed,
it can
over adjust and malfunction
through peculiar attempts toincrease a sense of control
called, “Protection, or Defense Mechanisms.”
Chaos is the scientific term used to describe the random disorder, or disorganization that can occur as organized systems malfunction under stress.
ORDERED FUNCTIONING SYSTEM
(the self system)
+STRESS of an
( intensity or duration to cause maladjustments)
= GREATER
(dysfunction, disorder, confusion, and pain)
Generally speaking, the goal in psychological intervention is to restore a functional sense of balance, thus reducing the degree of chaos, and improving functional ability.
This approach places total dependence on the patient’s Self System to find it’s own level of balance.
Unfortunately, avoidance of pain, or the discomfort of conflict, may be the only level of balance the client is willing to achieve. In this case they are left teetering between the pain of personal growth, and pain brought on by the consequences of their lack of growth.
This avoidance of discomfort can foster achronic state of poor functioning;with change only occurring when sufficient crisis spurns us on to overcome the discomforts of greater personal growth.
Following is a list of various, “defense, or protections mechanisms.” It is not necessary to study themall. I included them for illustration purposes. Many have their place and can be helpful at the appropriate time.
When Defense Mechanisms are overused they amplify and extend the pain and suffering we experience, and increase the dysfunction we display and inflict on those around us.
SOME COMMON DEFENSE MECHANISMS
Compartmentalization: Separation of two incompatible aspects of the psyche from each other to maintain psychological comfort; behavioral manifestations show the inconsistency.
Example: The person who attends church regularly and is overtly religious conducts a business that includes handling stolen goods.
Compensation: Overachievement in one area to offset deficiencies, real or imagined, or to overcome failure or frustration in another area.
Example: The student who makes poor grades devotes much time and energy to succeed in music or sports.
Condensation Reacting: to a single idea with all of the emotions associated with a group of ideas; expressing a complex group of ideas with a single word or phrase.
Example: The person says the word "disturbed" as a shorthand expression for many types of mental illness and for feelings of fear and shame.
Conversion: Unconscious conflicts are disguised and expressed symbolically by physical symptoms involving portions of the body, especially the five senses and motor areas. Symptoms are frequently not related to innervations by sensory or motor nerves.
Example: The person is under great pressure on the job; awakes at 6 A.M. and is unable to walk but is unconcerned about the symptom.
Denial: Failure to recognize an unacceptable impulse or undesirable, but obvious thought, fact, behavior, conflict, or situation, or its consequences or implications.
Example: The alcoholic person believes that he/she has no problem with drinking even though family and work colleagues observe the classic signs repeatedly.
Displacement: Release or redirection of feelings and impulses upon a safe object or person as a substitute for that which aroused the feeling.
Example: The person punches a punching bag after an argument with the boss.
Dissociation: Repression or splitting off from awareness of a portion of a personality or of consciousness. However, the repressed material continues to affect behavior. (compartmentalization).
Example: A client discusses a conflict-laden subject and goes into a trance.
Identification: Similar to and the result of introjection. Unconscious modeling of another person so that basic values, attitudes, and behavior are similar to those of a significant person or group but overt behavior is manifested in individual manner.
(Imitation: Is not considered a defense mechanism per se, but imitation usually precedes identification. Imitation is consciously copying another’s values, attitudes, movements, etc.)
Example: The adolescent over time manifests the assertive behavior and states ideas similar to those that she admires in one of her instructors, although she is unaware that her behavior is similar.
Introjection: Symbolic assimilation of or process of taking in attitudes, behavior, wishes, ideals, or values of significant person into the ego and/or superego (a part of identification).
Example: The client talks about how much he/she helps other people with their problems.
Isolation Repression: of the emotional component of a situation, although the person is able to remember the thought, memory, or event dealing with problems as interesting events that can be rationally explained but have no feelings attached.
Example: The person talks about the spouse’s death and details of the accident that caused it with an apathetic expression and without crying or signs of grieving.
Projection: Attributing one’s unacceptable or anxiety-provoking feelings, thoughts, impulses, wishes, or characteristics to another person.
Example: The person declares that the supervisor is lazy and prejudiced: work colleagues note that this person often needs help at work and frequently makes derogatory remarks about others.
Rationalization: Justification of behavior or offering a socially acceptable, intellectual, and apparently logical explanation for an act or decision actually caused by unconscious or verbalized impulses. Behavior in response to unrecognized motives precedes reasons for it.
Example: A student fails a course but maintains that the course was not important and that the grade can be made up in another course.
Reaction Formation: Unacceptable impulses repressed, denied, and reacted to by opposite overt behavior.
Example: A married woman who is unconsciously disturbed by feeling sexually attracted to one of her husband’s friends treats him rudely and keeps him at a safe distance.
Regression: Adopting behavior characteristic of a previous developmental level; the ego returns to an immature but more gratifying state of development in thought, feeling, or behavior.
Example: The person takes a nap, curled in a fetal position, upon arriving home after a stressful day at work..
Repression: Automatic, involuntary exclusion of a painful or conflictual feeling, thought, impulse, experience, or memory from awareness. The thought or memory of the event is not consciously perceived.
Example: The mother seems unaware of the date or events surrounding her child’s death and shows no emotion when the death is discussed.
Sublimation: Substitution of a socially acceptable behavior for an unacceptable sexual or aggressive drive or impulse.
Example: The adolescent is forbidden by her parents to have a date until she is graduated from high school. She gives much time and energy to editorial work and writing for the school paper. The editor of the school paper and the faculty advisor are males.
Suppression: Intentional exclusion of material from consciousness.
Example: The husband carries the bills in his pocket for a week before remembering to mail in the payments.
Symbolization: One object or act unconsciously represents a complex group of objects and acts, some of which may be in conflict or unacceptable to the ego; external objects or acts stand for any internal or repressed desire, idea, attitude, of feeling. The symbol may not overtly appear to be related to the repressed ideas or feelings.
Example: The husband sends his wife a bouquet of roses, which ordinarily represents love and beauty. But roses have thorns; his beautiful wife is hard to live with, but he consciously focuses on her beauty.
Undoing: An act, communication, or thought that cancels the significance or partially negates a previous one; treating an experience as if it had never occurred.
Example: The husband purchases a gift for his wife after a quarrel the previous evening.
Flight into Reality: The attempt to avoid or buffer self from experiencing feelings or discomfort through immersion into work responsibilities, recreational activities, chores, organizing, cleaning, hobbies, etc...
Example: A husband having marital problems goes to work early, and comes home late to avoid dealing his spouse.
QUESTIONS
Having looked at some of the list above; write down at least three defense mechanisms that you have been reliant on in the past. Describe how they have helped, or hindered you?
List others that you may have used less frequently. Describe how they have helped, or hindered you.
It has been said, “Any man who can work for no one but himself, has a tyrant for a boss.” As we can see from the list of defense mechanisms, our perceived need for control and our attempts to manipulate our world can become an all-consuming task!
These efforts can consume both our conscious and unconscious thoughts. These needs manipulate our emotions, and block our ability to see ourselves and those around us clearly.
Because of these needs, we often disqualify ourselves from meaningful and satisfying relationships. Instead of improving our circumstances, we tend to sustain or even intensify our losses. Through the defense mechanisms (described in the last chapter) we can achieve a momentary sense of power, and even relief, but our circumstances often worsen, and we may find ourselves more and more out of control with each effort.
But why are our efforts so misguided?
Earl Jabay, in his book, “The God Players,” talks about our human condition, and our tendency to work to establish ourselves as rulers over our world.
photo from http://www.mykidsite.com/category/baby-pictures/sleeping/page/7/
"The first thing a baby does when he comes into the world is to establish his kingdom…The baby cries. He wants service…."
"Each time “the king” cries out, he is obeyed."
In a typical day, “the king” has about six feedings and three bowel movements. Roughly nine times each day he tests the authority of his kingdom, and each time he is gratified with the results. All he has to do is cry and someone comes running to attend to his needs. Obviously he is the center of the world, and the world exists for him. He is as a God!…
We Are All Very Needy
As infants, we express our discomfort, and disturb those around us until our needs are met. The internal churning, and restlessness, that comes with anxiety gnaws at us and goads us on. It drives us to recognize that we have needs. It agitates us to try out different approaches to get them met.
If the adults caring for us are consistent, we will also experience comfort, and contentment. If their care is sustained for a long period of time, we will learn to tolerate discomfort and trust others. Eventually we will learn to self-soothe and care for ourselves independently.
This maturation process is a wonderful thing, but it does not remove the option of returning to our original pattern of neediness. When emotionally overwhelmed, the pattern of becoming internally agitated, and subsequently agitating those around us is ever present.
It is at the foundation of our being.
Fortunately God is not troubled by our neediness;
(It has been woven into His plan.)
He has locked it into our hearts to energize and prod us forward to mature and grow. Because of it we struggle onward to form deep emotional connections. As we mature we learn to surrender some of our need for, “God-like,” control and accept a position more equal with those around us.
In time we will develop mutual trust, and attain a sense of security, adequacy and even well being.
But what if for some reason we are unable to attain this maturity on every level?
What if we continue to have areas of deep fear and mistrust?
What if we are unwilling to surrender our belief that we need to be in control and have power over the questionable areas of our lives?
What if we discount the value and dignity of those around us and continue to believe and act as though we are entitled.
What if we refuse to recognize that our neediness is pushing us to abuse those around us.
Now we see ourselves justified in our expectations. The discomfort makes it imperative that we maneuver to maintain dominance and control.
We may have to be calculating, we may have to be manipulative, even deceptive, if that is what is necessary to get our needs met!
We deserve it! We have our rights!
It is wrong to deprive us of what we deserve!
Jabay continues:
When a small child cannot be powerful, he can be cunning and devious…. Nothing protects the king’s ego as well as a lie, if it succeeds… If one can add to that an exhibition of growing talent and even an eagerness to please…, so much the better….
photo from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3129689/Are-killing-dog-kindness-single-sausage-canine-equivalent-THREE-burgers.html Although getting our needs met is important, doing it by diminishing the value of those around us cheapens and degrades our world and we become unable to receive much of what they have to offer us.
When we usurp the authority that rightly belongs to God we experience a great loss! Our emotional and spiritual sense of loss is real. We are correct to believe that things should be better, but our ability to bring it about in ourselves has been lost!
As little gods we blame, judge and condemn, reasoning, “I deserve better than this! This world sucks! Why can’t they do what is fair. I know what is right! They should too! Their weaknesses and hypocrisy is sickening! It makes me angry! They deserve whatever happens!
Jabay continues: The rebelling adolescent (or adult) is so intoxicated with his delusions that the suffering he is inflicting upon his loved ones does not even register with him. The king is sensitive only to his own feelings. He is obedient to none but himself. (emphasis added)
Jabay summarizes: The authority issue--- We might call it the ”god-problem” is the core problem in human life. And it is almost insultingly simple. It seeks to answer the question,
Who will be Number One?
God,
(which includes those who represent Him)
or
Self
Holy Hostility?
(righteous indignation?)
(or just plain old sin?)
Following are some well-known stages of hostility. Study them carefully and see if you can discover when a person would cross the line dividing the realm of humanity from the realm of being a god.
1. I want something.
2. I didn’t get what I want and I’m frustrated.
3. It is terrible and awful not to get what I want; therefore, I must have it!
4. You should not frustrate me! I must have my way.
5. You are bad for frustrating me.
6. Bad people ought to be punished.
7. I am justified in punishing you.
What are the attributes of GOD?
What are the attributes of human beings?
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
(Aggressive)
Conversationally -Demanding or expecting others to tell more than they want too.
-Moving to a personal level without invitation or against resistance.
Relationships -Ridiculing or disregarding resistance to probing questions. -Assuming or expecting trust that is not warranted. -Becoming preoccupied, or obsessing over what others think. -Expecting others to adapt their behavior to please you.
Sexuality -Being sexual when not invited, disregarding refusals and limits. -Being sexual with disregard for commitments to others or reputation.
Self Awareness -Paying little concerned when you invade someone’s Boundaries -Taking advantage when someone displays poor boundaries.
Interactions -Pushing food, gifts, touch, even when not wanted. -Touching a person without asking. -Imposing on those that lack assertiveness and limit setting abilities.
Personal Power -Directing and controlling the life of others, denying them choices, and attempting to define or determining their identity.
Self care -All foams of self abuse, especially when trying to get others to take care of you. -Excusing and blaming others for your addictions or addictive behaviors. -Retaliating or punitively withdrawing and becoming isolated when disappointed. -Avoiding personal growth, maturity, and healthy relationships.
Expectations -Believing you can anticipate and control others and their needs. -Expecting others to magically know and fulfill your needs regardless of their situation. -Expecting others to pick up the pieces of your mistakes.
diagram from http://phoenix-project.org/what-is-domestic-violence/
