(6) Foundations (The Tyranny of self)

 Foundations

The Tyranny of Self

It has been said, “Any man who can work for no one but himself, has a tyrant for a boss.” As we can see from the list of defense mechanisms, our perceived need for control and our attempts to manipulate our world can become an all-consuming task!

These efforts can consume both our conscious and unconscious thoughts. These needs manipulate our emotions, and block our ability to see ourselves and those around us clearly.

Because of these needs, we often disqualify ourselves from meaningful and satisfying relationships. Instead of improving our circumstances, we tend to sustain or even intensify our losses. Through the defense mechanisms (described in the last chapter) we can achieve a momentary sense of power, and even relief, but our circumstances often worsen, and we may find ourselves more and more out of control with each effort.

But why are our efforts so misguided?

Earl Jabay, in his book, “The God Players,” talks about our human condition, and our tendency to work to establish ourselves as rulers over our world.

photo from http://www.mykidsite.com/category/baby-pictures/sleeping/page/7/

"The first thing a baby does when he comes into the world is to establish his kingdom…The baby cries. He wants service…."

"Each time “the king” cries out, he is obeyed."

In a typical day, “the king” has about six feedings and three bowel movements. Roughly nine times each day he tests the authority of his kingdom, and each time he is gratified with the results. All he has to do is cry and someone comes running to attend to his needs. Obviously he is the center of the world, and the world exists for him. He is as a God!…

We Are All Very Needy

As infants, we express our discomfort, and disturb those around us until our needs are met. The internal churning, and restlessness, that comes with anxiety gnaws at us and goads us on. It drives us to recognize that we have needs. It agitates us to try out different approaches to get them met.

If the adults caring for us are consistent, we will also experience comfort, and contentment. If their care is sustained for a long period of time, we will learn to tolerate discomfort and trust others. Eventually we will learn to self-soothe and care for ourselves independently.

This maturation process is a wonderful thing, but it does not remove the option of returning to our original pattern of neediness. When emotionally overwhelmed, the pattern of becoming internally agitated, and subsequently agitating those around us is ever present. 

It is at the foundation of our being.

Fortunately God is not troubled by our neediness;

 

(It has been woven into His plan.)

He has locked it into our hearts to energize and prod us forward to mature and grow. Because of it we struggle onward to form deep emotional connections. As we mature we learn to surrender some of our need for, “God-like,” control and accept a position more equal with those around us.

In time we will develop mutual trust, and attain a sense of security, adequacy and even well being.

But what if for some reason we are unable to attain this maturity on every level? 

What if we continue to have areas of deep fear and mistrust?

What if we are unwilling to surrender our belief that we need to be in control and have power over the questionable areas of our lives?

What if we discount the value and dignity of those around us and continue to believe and act as though we are entitled.

What if we refuse to recognize that our neediness is pushing us to abuse those around us.

Now we see ourselves justified in our expectations. The discomfort makes it imperative that we maneuver to maintain dominance and control.

We may have to be calculating, we may have to be manipulative, even deceptive, if that is what is necessary to get our needs met! 

We deserve it! We have our rights! 

It is wrong to deprive us of what we deserve!

Jabay continues:

When a small child cannot be powerful, he can be cunning and devious…. Nothing protects the king’s ego as well as a lie, if it succeeds… If one can add to that an exhibition of growing talent and even an eagerness to please…, so much the better….

photo from  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3129689/Are-killing-dog-kindness-single-sausage-canine-equivalent-THREE-burgers.html

Although getting our needs met is important, doing it by diminishing the value of those around us cheapens and degrades our world and we become unable to receive much of what they have to offer us.

When we usurp the authority that rightly belongs to God we experience a great loss! Our emotional and spiritual sense of loss is real. We are correct to believe that things should be better, but our ability to bring it about in ourselves has been lost!

As little gods we blame, judge and condemn, reasoning, “I deserve better than this! This world sucks! Why can’t they do what is fair. I know what is right! They should too! Their weaknesses and hypocrisy is sickening! It makes me angry! They deserve whatever happens!

Jabay continues:
The rebelling adolescent (or adult) is so intoxicated with his delusions that the suffering he is inflicting upon his loved ones does not even register with him. The king is sensitive only to his own feelings. He is obedient to none but himself. (emphasis added)

Jabay summarizes:
The authority issue--- We might call it the ”god-problem” is the core problem in human life. And it is almost insultingly simple. It seeks to answer the question,

Who will be Number One?

God,

(which includes those who represent Him)

or

Self

Holy Hostility?

(righteous indignation?)

(or just plain old sin?)

Following are some well-known stages of hostility. Study them carefully and see if you can discover when a person would cross the line dividing the realm of humanity from the realm of being a god.

1. I want something.

2. I didn’t get what I want and I’m frustrated.

3. It is terrible and awful not to get what I want; therefore, I must have it!

4. You should not frustrate me! I must have my way.

5. You are bad for frustrating me.

6. Bad people ought to be punished.

7. I am justified in punishing you.

 

What are the attributes of GOD?

What are the attributes of human beings?

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

(Aggressive)

Conversationally
-Demanding or expecting others to tell more than they want too.

-Moving to a personal level without invitation or against resistance.

Relationships
-Ridiculing or disregarding resistance to probing questions.
-Assuming or expecting trust that is not warranted.
-Becoming preoccupied, or obsessing over what others think.
-Expecting others to adapt their behavior to please you.

Sexuality
-Being sexual when not invited, disregarding refusals and limits.
-Being sexual with disregard for commitments to others or reputation.

Self Awareness
-Paying little concerned when you invade someone’s Boundaries
-Taking advantage when someone displays poor boundaries.

Interactions
-Pushing food, gifts, touch, even when not wanted.
-Touching a person without asking.
-Imposing on those that lack assertiveness and limit setting abilities.

Personal Power
-Directing and controlling the life of others, denying them choices, and attempting to define or determining their identity.

Self care
-All foams of self abuse, especially when trying to get others to take care of you.
-Excusing and blaming others for your addictions or addictive behaviors.
-Retaliating or punitively withdrawing and becoming isolated when disappointed.
-Avoiding personal growth, maturity, and healthy relationships.

Expectations
-Believing you can anticipate and control others and their needs.
-Expecting others to magically know and fulfill your needs regardless of their situation.
-Expecting others to pick up the pieces of your mistakes.

diagram from  http://phoenix-project.org/what-is-domestic-violence/

We Can

Stop the Abuse!

By the Grace of God

(7) Preprogramming (It's my gut feeling)

PREPROGRAMMING

It’s not just about what I think

photo from http://resources.uknowkids.com/blog/does-bullying-impact-your-childs-developing-brain

It’s What I Feel in My Gut

photo from http://azneuromod.com/treating-visceral-pain/

Why can’t we just think differently! Aren’t emotions and thoughts the same thing? Aren’t they just functions of the brain? Our bodies don’t really affect our thinking that much, do they?

Although we express ourselves in terms like being sick with grief, having enough intestinal fortitude to get the job done, and loving from the depth of the heart, most of us assume that these are just figurative phrases. 

We have been taught that all of our thought processes are confined to the brain and central nervous system.

Ancient man had a different view. Early writers, including the writers of the Bible viewed the emotions as being located in various visceral organs, or at least they were experienced there. 

Some of the Greeks thought that emotions were the result of the effect specific fluids had on specific internal organs. This is an understandable conclusion considering what we experience. 

Emotional experiences like, “Feeling Smothered,” having something, “Turn or Sour Your Stomach, “ or feeling, “All Choked Up,” make it hard to believe that emotions occur only in the head.

The Bible identifies our visceral organs as the place where we experience emotion. Often specific organs are described. Other times a more general description is given where emotions are collectively described as coming from the, “heart.” In this sense, the, “heart,” is presented as the seat of our emotions. 

The, ”heart,” is also described as being part of our, “inmost being,” which is closely related to, “our spirit.” The exact nature of all of these terms can become very confusing, and is a source great speculation. 

But one thing is very plain; They describe our emotional experience much more effectively than the textbook brain model.

Consider the following verses as they describe how we experience emotions. Note the qualities, intensity and variety they present.

-- King James
Proverbs 22:17 A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth up the bones.

 
-- American Standard
Job 30:27 My heart is troubled, and resteth not; Days of affliction are come upon me.


-- New International
Job 30:27a The churning inside me never stops;

-- King James
Jeremiah 4:19 My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.

-- American Standard
Lamentations 2:11 Mine eyes do fail with tears, my heart is troubled; My liver is poured upon the earth, because of the destruction of the daughter of my people, Because the young children and the sucklings swoon in the streets of the city.

Our present awareness of various chemical messengers like hormones, endorphins, and prostaglandins that are carried through the blood to specific organs refute the idea that the brain is the only organ that experiences emotion. 

Although the nervous system model is helpful for teaching anatomy, it is inadequate for describing the complexity that occurs with human emotions. 

The Fight or Flight Response described earlier is one of hundreds, if not thousands of examples.

Not only do we experience the effects of emotions in our bodies, researchers have discovered that we also store memories of those experiences in our bodies.

Silvan Tomkins, the founder of, “Affect Theory,” describes our bodies as being born with an ability to respond to the world on an emotional level independent of conscious thought.

The Affective Response is autonomic, rather than voluntary. This response is more intense and more spontaneous than a voluntary conscious response would be. It involves the whole body, but most notably, the skin, facial muscles and eyes, along with the heart and visceral organs. 

Affective theory describes a kind of emotional memory that is linked to emotional responses, and used to communicate an emotional state. 

The preverbal sounds, and body language that the newborn uses to communicate is primarily affective. This communication is universally human, and not subject to culture at this stage. Our ability to express ourselves using body language, and to read the body language of others is also primarily affective.

Psychologists claim: Interpersonal Communication is:

55% Body language
38% Voice, tone, inflection and cadence
+ 7% Words we choose

___________________
100% Communication

This means: We often unintentionally send strong messages through our appearance and are often unaware of the content others may be receiving and we also receive powerful messages unintentionally sent from others.

Therefore : We have about a 93% chance of messing up even when we say all the right words!

No wonder it is so easy to be misunderstood! Especially if the other person has a different body chemistry, different emotional make up, and different life perspective than I have!

MEN    WOMEN

Who can understand them?

I am sure that you can remember times when others have reacted to you in a way that appeared to have nothing to do with the words you were saying.

Remember:
Our affective response is very fast! Even spontaneous!

Our affective response is an autonomic response!

Our affective response reveals our inner feelings and associated beliefs.

It happens before we think.

We may be unaware of it if we are not paying careful attention.

Consider the following example:
You came home from work early and find your wife is not in the house. You decide to take the time to try to get something done on a project you started sometime ago. You are working on your project when your wife enters the room. 

Earlier that day she told you that she would be late coming home because she would be stopping at the beauty salon. 

Unfortunately you forgot. 

You greet her as she enters the room with, “Hi honey. How was your day?” but don’t get up and make eye contact. 

She is quiet, and you continue, “Was it a hard day? I noticed you were late.” 

She remains silent, then after a long pause she asks, “Don’t you notice anything different?” You look up and……?

Evaluate the Importance of your affect below:

We are going to do the questions twice, so the questions now.

You will evaluate again and compare later.

 1 (as not important) 

10 (as very important)

                                                       

_____Your initial expression?

(when she entered the room)

_____ Your adjusted expression?

(when you looked up) 


_____ Your initial tone of voice? 

_____ Your adjusted tone of voice? 

_____ The initial words you say?

_____ The adjusted words you say?

_____ Your attention to her hair?

_____ Your logical analysis of her?

_____ The truth about how you feel?

_____ How you express what you feel?

Now rescore without the powerful influence of expectations.

Rescore the exercise above, changing the scenario little. 

This time, your wife did not change her hair, and told you she might be delayed by road construction, and was.

How would the scores in the exercise above be different?

What we expect from the other person is the biggest factor in how we interpret, i.e., (judge) the affective/emotional signals others send to us.

The emotional expectation of the other person is the biggest factor in how they will interpret, i.e., (judge) our affective/emotional response to them.

The importance of becoming more aware of the affective (gut feeling) messages we send and receive, is obvious! These messages are much stronger than any intentional messages we could verbally communicate.

No rational explanation could evoke the same degree of emotion.

If our words don’t match our affect, we are considered insincere, superficial and not speaking the truth, even if our words are 100% accurate.

What does your body language and voice say about you?

Are there hidden messages that come with your expression of emotion? (Expectations? Demands? Ultimatums? Threats)

(example) Acting Tired; Messages,

“I worked hard today.”

 (so you had better leave me alone!)


What is your affective message and how do you send it...




When you are tired?





When you are treated unfairly?





When you are frustrated?




When feel you are being ignored?




When you are hungry?




When you are threatened?



When you are angry?



How does what you believe you are communicating compare with what others say they see?



How does what you believe you are communicating compare with what God would say He sees?



New International
Prov23:16 My inmost being will rejoice when your lips speak what is right.

(8) Be Angry and Sin Not (Our Wonderful Counselor)

As we have seen, God’s intent for relationships with Himself and with others is far above what any of us experience. Although He provides us with opportunities, instruction, desire, and both natural and spiritual abilities, we still fall short. 

It’s as though there is a force keeping us from achieving His goal for us. Paul the apostle; author of much of the New Testament states:

ROMANS 7:19
For the good that I wish, I do not do; but I practice the very evil that I do not wish.

The fall of humankind into sin, as described in the Genesis account brought a continuing consequence to all people, even those who are in the process of yielding their lives to the lordship of Jesus Christ. 

Although Adam and Eve did not experience immediate physical death, a form of death did occur as they took the fruit, and became experienced in the knowledge of doing evil.

GENESIS 3:7-8
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings. And they heard the sound (voice KJV) of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord

In their distraction of guilt, condemnation, and denial, they hid themselves from the option of seeking God’s forgiveness and restoration.

By default, they set aside God’s purposes, and plans.

They disregarded God's kind intentions, and expressions of loving kindness.

Their thoughts were focused on a different feeling, or, “affect,” this new knowledge of evil exposed them too! They were preoccupied with the feelings they were experiencing.

The Bible does not say how long Adam and Eve hid themselves, but it does say that God lovingly sought them out. Calling to them, by name and then waiting until they were ready to respond.

He did not hunt them down like fugitives, or catch them by surprise and assault them with accusations and stern condemnations. God’s responses to Adam and Eve when they finally came forward were in the form of questions to Adam; as would be done by a counselor.

Perhaps with the intention that Adam might recognize his responsibility, repent, and be restored...Where are you?,.. Who told you you were naked?.. Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?.. What is this that you have done?..

Notice God’s awareness and sensitivity to Adam’s feelings.

In psychology, the feelings, or emotions that a person experiences, is called their affect.

 Although the Bible does not say what Adams affect was, his behaviors and responses do.

Adam was now experiencing fellowship with the devil. They shared the same affect; one of insecurity, fear, guilt, shame, helplessness and confusion. They shared the bondage of denial and self deceit.

The diagram below illustrates the progression that occurs in this spiritual fall. 

 

(above modified from ,”Velvet Steel”, a class Created by Theo Johnson)

John 8:34 Everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.

This is a stark contrast to what God desires for us, and our neighbors. He is the author of reality. Through the act of creation He established order, rule, and laws, of both physical and spiritual things. 

He is the Ultimate AUTHOR-ity of what constitutes meaning, purpose, and true fulfillment in life here on earth, and in eternity. Because of this, AUTHORITY, He also is the ultimate source of truth, knowledge, and righteous judgment.

As we continue, look at the, “Path of the slave.” Think of it more as a pattern of thinking and responding; A cycle that repeats itself over and over in each of our lives; a natural pattern that occurs when we reject God’s will, or plan.

The first recorded sinful outburst of anger listed in the Bible was Cain’s murderous outburst toward his brother Abel. Here the full potential of the broken relationship was realized as Cain’s INNER TURMOIL led him further and further from the truth.

Cain was the first human truly born in sin. This condition is described by Paul in his letter to the Ephesians:

EPHESIANS 2:1-3

And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince and power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh and of the mind, and were by nature sons of wrath, even as the rest.

Jesus amplified this:

John 8:44

You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desire of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks of his own nature; for he is a liar, and the father of lies.

The devil’s link of communication with Cain did not have to come through an amazing display of beauty, enticing intellectual cunning, or seductive manipulation as it did to Eve in the Garden of Eden. Through birth, it was a built in part of Cain’s nature and personality. 

He inherited it from his parents due to their broken relationship with God. To be influenced by a lower nature was now natural for him, as it is for all of us. This bend toward rebellion was resident in his flesh, and modeled by his parents. He had both the heredity, and the behavioral training for sinful thoughts, desires, and behaviors.

The devil’s strategy is to work in league with this evil human nature, empowering it, energizing it to action. His goal is to cause a person to disregard inhibitions, and ignore informa­tion that would restrain or defuse our rebellion against God’s plan for us. This was the source of Cain’s INNER TURMOIL. 

James the brother of Jesus writes about this struggle, and how we are to respond.

JAMES 4:6—8,9a, (9b paraphrased),l0

But He (God) gives greater grace. Therefore it says,

“GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT HE GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.” Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double minded..(view your evil plans and intents from God’s perspective and repent with mourning)..Humble yourself in the presence of the Lord, and he will exult you.

Long before Cain did anything wrong, God was aware of Cain’s INNER TURMOIL. He is intimately aware of our inner struggles as well.

I KINGS 8:39 KJV

...for Thou alone doest know the hearts of all the sons of men...

When God asked Cain questions, God was not seeking information, or confused. He was drawing attention to Cain’s affect, and feelings, encouraging him to reflect and gain understanding. 

God used His Wonderful Counselor approach to lovingly draw Cain back to Himself and to restore His relationship with him.

GENESIS 4:5 KJV

And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. And the Lord said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? And why is thy countenance fallen? If though doest well, shalt though not be accepted? And if though doest not well, sin is lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.

Another translation describes it as:

If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? and: sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it. NASB

Unfortunately Cain did not heed God’s warning. Cain was not receptive to God’s offer to TALK ABOUT, AND REFLECT ON his feelings. His mind was already made up. He was blinded by SELF DECEIT.

Venting Our Anger

GENESIS 4:8a And Cain told Abel his brother...

Perhaps it went like this. Abel may have recognized that Cain was troubled and asked him what was wrong. Cain could have retorted, 

WHAT IS WRONG! WHAT IS WRONG! YOU KNOW BLANKETY BLANK GOOD AND WELL WHAT IS WRONG! AND IT MAKES YOU PRETTY HAPPY DOESN’T IT! I’LL BET YOU GET A LOT OF SATISFACTION OUT OF IT! DON’T YOU!...

DON’T ASK ME WHAT IS WRONG!

Counselors call this venting. Until recently, it was thought that venting provided relief; a kind of safety valve for pent—up emotions. 

Newer studies have shown that most venting tends to escalate and increase overall tension, only giving a temporary sense of relief. 

Continued targeted venting, that is; venting at the person we are angry with, reinforces confused conclusions, distorted thoughts and false perceptions. Targeted venting energizes emotional energy that validates escalation to emotional and physical violence. 

This type of venting should not be confused with pouring out the full contents of our hearts to God in prayer. God already knows our needs and faults, but He desires that we would bring them before Him, and promises to assist us in our weaknesses. 

This is not the time to pretend to be holy; this is the time for frank honesty with God.

ROMANS 8:26—27

In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself interceded for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

Hurtful venting should not be confused with exposing our intense feelings during formal counseling, or expressing them privately, or in group to mature Christian friends with hopes to gain strength and support for coping, or better insight or understanding of ourselves and our situation.

The bible encourages us

to seek out these kind of relationships:

PROVERBS ll:14a

Where there is no counsel, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

Repeatedly the scriptures tell us to bring our needs and troubles to God, confessing our sins to Him and each to other, forgiving each other, and receiving forgiveness. King David, described as a man after God’s own heart wrote:

PSALMS 32:1—5

How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered! How blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit! When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. I acknowledged my sin to Thee; and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord”; and Thou didst forgive the guilt of my sin.

It is not hurtful venting when we provide necessary information to those around us about how we are feeling, or make an assertive statement about what we are going to do.

 (example)

“I am feeling very upset right now. I am going to take a short walk to allow myself to calm down so that I can listen better. I will come back and resume our conversation in 40 minutes.”

Instead of holding, hurting, and harboring, or burning, boiling, and blasting; we are to direct our anger, according to the will and plan of God.

EPHESIANS 4:26

Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.

Jesus assertively demonstrated this in the righteous anger He displayed at the temple. The scriptures say that He forcefully threw the merchants out, overturning their tables, and stampeded their livestock. Once vacant, the blind, the sick, and the lame entered and He healed them. In seeing this the children of Jerusalem cried out in the temple saying, “Hosanna to the Son of David”, fulfilling the scriptural promise made by God to King David centuries before. This was an important event! Jesus had an important appointment to keep! It was the time to bring healing to his people, and a special offering of perfected praise to His Heavenly Father. His, “consuming zeal”, was in agreement with God’s timing, and God’s plan.

MATTHEW 21:16

Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise.

Sampson had a similar experience wielding the jawbone of a donkey for a weapon. Sampson was no paragon of virtue. He consistently displayed poor character qualities and impulsivity in the choices he made. But this time he was Spirit led, it was God’s timing, and a thousand Philistines were slain. 

In contrast, Moses was said to be the most humble, meekest man on earth, (Num 12:3) yet his outbursts of anger lacked God’s approval. Early in Moses’ life, when he killed the Egyptian who was beating the slave he did not receive God’s approval. Moses’ anger may have been justified, but his timing and method were not. 

Later, after the Exodus from Egypt, when Moses was leading the people through the desert, Moses vented his resentment toward God’s people, calling them rebels. He then vented the intensity of his anger; possibly to intimidate the people by striking a rock that God commanded him to speak to. 

He displaced his anger with the people to the rock. God condemned his action for not sanctifying God before the people. Moses’ anger did not accomplish the plan of God. 

Consequently Moses and Aaron were not allowed to enter the Promised Land.

JAMES 1:19

... the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Cain’s festering feelings

led to action as well.

GENESIS 4:8b

And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.

Whether Abel voluntarily responded to help Cain, or was intimidated and forced by him; the Bible does not say; but it appears that Abel could have been helping his brother in the field when he was murdered.

Even so, our Wonderful Counselor God provided Cain with two more opportunities for repentance.

GENESIS 4:9-10a

Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” And he said, “I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?” And He (God) said, “What have you done?

Again Cain did not respond honestly to God’s questions. Cain had developed a strong pattern of resistance to the voice of the Lord, along with an unwillingness to examine his intentions, thoughts and motives. Up to this point his ability to hear God was intact.

Perhaps the presence of his brother and family, and their prayers on his behalf were responsible for God’s repeated extensions of mercy. Perhaps God simply had mercy on Cain's crippled inner man.

   

But there came a point when God’s presence became intolerable. Cain’s allegiance to the feelings he shared with the devil had become too great. After hearing the consequences of his actions, the Bible says;

Cain fled from the presence of the Lord.

Many who experience outbursts of rage and anger, and even those who hold frozen anger, in the form of resentment and bitterness or depression may feel that they are weak, or helpless in their efforts to gain control over their thoughts and feelings. 

We may require the people around us to, “walk on eggshells”; or expect them to heed special rules or routines to keep us from becoming upset. 

Since we often feel we are controlled by the attitudes and actions of others we may deny personal responsibility and project blame onto our targets. 

We can feel justified in our insensitivity or outbursts, believing that our target is asking for it. We may rationalize our behavior thinking that it is, “good to, be brutally honest”, or take pride in our false sense of, “self control”, as we hold our anger inside and close people off in calloused disregard.

If our families have tolerated these behaviors, we may accuse our targets of being weak and immature and needy of the experience so that they can, “grow up and not be so overly sensitive.”

Cain may have experienced this. He may have thought that he only struck out in a moment of weakness; that an uncontrollable rage just rose up from within him. 

This does not mean that he did not have strong affection for his brother. On the contrary strong emotional dependency and closeness often heightens the sense of rage that may accompany feelings of rejection, or separation. 

He may have thought; “I just want my brother to, (really) understand, how badly I am hurting, and (realize the intensity) of what I am experiencing.” He may have had no intention of causing permanent injury. Afterward he may have had extreme feelings of guilt, remorse, worthlessness, and helplessness, but not responsibility reasoning, “How can I be responsible for what I cannot control?”

This is the DENIAL that keeps us locked in as a slave. It works in tandem with feelings of CONDEMNATION. The greater the sense of CONDEMNATION, the greater the tendency to rely on DENIAL.

In his confusion, he may have even blamed God for making him defective in a way that caused him to act shamefully. This would be another attempt to project his sense of self condemnation and avoid the bad feelings he was experiencing.

Many who harbor angry feelings, express anger toward themselves as well. We may knowingly, or unknowingly demonstrate it in actions and words that communicate low self esteem. 

We may allow ourselves to be used, or taken advantage of by employers, family, or friends, accepting mistreatment as though we deserve it. Our anger may be repressed, or held in without our awareness, and converted into a physical ailment, or an array of symptoms which may, or, may not reflect aspects of an actual trauma we experienced.

Repressed anger may take the form of self punishing behaviors, that is; knowingly, or unknowingly acting with disregard for the loss, harm, or punishment our actions may bring to us. Dependencies on alcohol, drugs, and gambling, and sexual addiction often have their beginnings based in unresolved anger. 

As we identify with people who practice these behaviors, we become less aware of changes we are experiencing in our own personality and become indifferent to alienating ourselves from the kind of positive relationships we experienced in our past. 

Like Adam and Eve we disregard what once was precious. We may experience personal hardships, suffer loss through fines and disciplinary actions, and loose important relationships as we suppress awareness of our responsibilities, and display passive/aggressive tardiness, and procrastination.

We may frustrate others and ourselves as we attempt to undo the harm we have done, through hollow gestures of kindness, or try to compensate for our failures and deficiencies with intense efforts at unnecessary overachievements. 

We may weary and isolate ourselves with positive compulsive activities like excessive religious activity, volunteer work, compulsive cleaning and shopping, often unaware of our deeper need to distract ourselves from the discomfort of our feelings. 

It may even take the, “ALL AMERICAN” form of, “WORKaHOLISM” as we pursue an endless list of goals, but never allow ourselves time to stop and get in touch with what is going on inside.

At times of overwhelming stress, or threat, our inability to maintain a sense of emotional security, stability, or personal worth can result in regression to infantile rage, infantile withdrawal, or childish narcissistic outbursts as we attempt to protect and bolster the fragile core of our wounded inner self.

Fortunately this is not God’s Plan for our existence and the torment and suffering is totally unnecessary! 

That is of course unless we want to continue to depend on the, “Self System,” for autonomous auto regulation described earlier.

 

the Self-made Man

(9) Maturity in Relationship (God's Purpose)

Maturity in Relationships

(God's purpose)

The Goal of Recovery is to rebuild trust between God, Self, and Others.

The Bible has much to say about relationships. 

It states that we were created for the very purpose of having a relationship with God, and because of this relationship we can also have right relationships with each other. Our relationship with God is the foundation stone in all of our relationships if we are to find our true meaning and purpose in this life. 

Relationship with God is the foundational theme in reforming all other relationships through out the 12 steps.

The 12 steps

         Step 1:    We admitted (to God) we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive  behaviors and that our lives, (i.e., relationships) had become unmanageable.

         Step 2:    We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves (God) could restore                                      us to sanity.

         Step 3:    We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of (God).

         Step 4:    We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.(by God's                                          standards)

         Step 5:    We admitted to (God) ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

         Step 6:    We were entirely ready to have (God) remove all of these defects of character.

         Step 7:    We humbly ask Him (God) to remove all of our shortcomings.

         Step 8:    We made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

         Step 9:    We made direct amends to such people whenever possible.

         Step10:   We continued to take a personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admitted it.

         Step11:  We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscience contact with (God) praying only for the knowledge of  (God's) will and the power to carry it out.

         Step12:   Having had a spiritual experience (with God) as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs.     

RELATIONSHIPS

(God’s Purpose)

  

The Bible describes a God of power and purpose who seeks loving relationship with us despite our misguided attempt at self rule. He wants to reveal Himself and His timely will for us if we will accept it.

EPHESIANS 1:3—6...09 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundations of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself according to the kind intentions of His will, to the praise and the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved....He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to his kind intention which He purposed in Him...

We are:  Chosen before the foundations of the world,

He has given us: Every spiritual blessing present in Christ Jesus

To be: Holy and blameless in His love, Children in His family that are

Knowledgeable of His will, kind intentions and purposes.

What is His will, kind intentions and purpose for you?   

What about those around you?

                         

What does it mean, “to be holy and blameless in His Love?

The Bible also states that this relationship with Him becomes damaged if we refuse to accept how He views others and refuse his grace to empower us to overcome our relationship problems with our neighbors and family members.

Our unforgiveness of others keeps us from receiving God’s forgiveness.

MATTHEW 6:14-15

For if you forgive men their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your heavenly Father will not forgive your transgressions.

 

Does this mean that God does not want to forgive us?    

What does it mean?

Our holding hatred and resentment toward others keeps us from knowing genuine love for God.

I JOHN 4:19—20  

We love, because He first loved us. If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.

I JOHN 1:5-8 

 And this message we have heard from Him and announced to you, that God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

What does it mean to walk in the Light?

To walk in darkness?

            The Eight Principle from Celebrate Recovery by Rick Warren, mirror the 12 steps of AA with one important addition. The admission that our tendency to play God is our primary problem.

1.      Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.

     

2.      Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

3.      Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.

Happy are the meek.

4.      Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

Happy are the pure in heart.

5.      Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires.

6.      Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.

Happy are the merciful. Happy are the peacemakers.

7.      Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.

8.      Yield myself to God to be used to bring this Good News to others, both by my example and by my words.

Happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires.

When we refuse to acknowledge the value and worth that God places on places and ignore His purposes, we are left to slavishly struggle to control of our own existence. We exchange accountability in relationships for self centeredness and selfish individualism and forfeit relationship with God and with each other.

 
When we refuse to acknowledge the value and worth that God places on those around us, and devalue them through our words, attitudes and actions. We foster misunderstanding and error rather than relationship and we hinder God’s willingness to listen to and answer our prayers.

 
1 PETER 3:7
You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

What does it mean to grant her honor?

Our willingness to belittle others, to hold them in contempt and demean them, and our unwillingness to admit our own fault seek forgiveness, and be reconciled. These make our efforts at offering worship and seeking God’s blessing unacceptable, bringing condemnation instead of a blessing from our God.

MATTHEW 5:21-24
You have heard that the ancients were told,”You shall not commit murder” and “Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.” “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever shall say to his brother, “Raca,” shall be guilty before the Supreme Court; and whoever shall say, “You fool,” shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell. If therefore you are presenting your offering at the alter, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the alter, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.



Who is the one that is angry?



Who is told to take action to be reconciled?



What does it mean, “be reconciled to your brother.”



I CORINTHIANS 11:28-29
But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For he who eats and drinks, eats and drinks judgment to himself if he does not judge the body rightly. For this reason many among you are weak and sick, and a number sleep. But if we should judge ourselves rightly, we should not be judged.




I CORINTHIANS 10:17 

Since there is one bread, we who are many are one body; for we all partake of one bread.


Our allegiance and devotion to our own ways, and our rebellion against Christ’s Lordship in our lives, keep us from receiving direction, purpose, and fulfillment; from knowing true freedom; and functioning as ambassadors in the kingdom of God.


GALATIANS 5:13. .16—17. .19—25
For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another...But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please...Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you just as I have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.




What does it mean, “to crucify the flesh?”




What does it mean, “to walk by the Spirit?”




Do our relationships belong to Christ?




How is this demonstrated?