(11) Seeing Past the Present (Christ's Patience with Us)

SEEING PAST THE PRESENT

Christ’s patience

SEEING PAST THE PRESENT
Christ’s patience

As Americans we are taught to struggle and fight for our rights and privileges. 

The, “Bill of Rights,” penned by Thomas Jefferson describes us as being, “endowed by our Creator with inalienable rights which include life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”  

Unfortunately obtaining happiness is much more difficult than pursuing it.

Most of us who struggle with feelings of fear, anger, rage or depression have found life to be anything but happy. Having been molded by our past, the process of pursuing our desires and ambitions has not been satisfying. 

Our expectations for ourselves and others have not been met, and we have not experienced the degree of freedom or comfort we anticipated. 

Never the less we continue to try to control our world, on our own terms.  In doing so, we often act as though we are god or king over our own lives, and sometimes as ruler over the lives of those around us. 

We may not intend to do so, but our needs motivate us to become manipulative and judgmental of those around us who do not meet our expectations.

As we surrender to the Lordship of Jesus, He will begin to set us free from the need to try to rule over and judge those around us!

He will increasingly give us the freedom to be in His presence, and in the presence of others in the, “here and now.“

He gives freedom to move past the filters of the past and out of our insecurities.

He will free us, as we surrender our beliefs. He will free us if we will allow it, but we have to allow Him to replace the old man. This means a dying process.

NIV 2 Corinthians 5:16-17

 16.  So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer.

17.    Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Many of us have a desire to please God, and even, “Become Christ-like.” We become disappointed with ourselves and withdraw when we seem to fail. 

Consider Christ’s response to those who disappointed Him.

Continuing with Peter, (from Chapter 10)

We see that Peter’s distraction and resistance continued through the time of the Passover. The narrative continues in the Gospel of John:

NIV John 13:3-10, 12-17

 3.  Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God;

 4.  so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.

 5.  After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

6.   He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"

 7.  Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

 8.  "No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."

 9.  "Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

10. Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean….”

    continuing in verse 12

12. When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them.

Notice the power struggle that went on as Peter continues to resist, and then tries to direct Christ. Even when Jesus encourages Peter to be patient and trust, Peter resisted. 

This event was similar to the conversation God had with Cain, before he slew his brother Able. 

(If you are unfamiliar, see Chapter 8 Be Angry An Sin Not) 

Here, our, Wonderful Counselor, Jesus, patiently teaches and models the principles of, “the Kingdom.” Jesus does not attack, become exasperated, disappointed or hostile. Jesus does not passively ignore Peter’s misdirected requests. Jesus stays on track attentive to the will of His Heavenly Father.  

The text continues:

NIV John 13:3-10, 12-17

 13.  "You call me `Teacher' and `Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am.

 14.  Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet.

 15.  I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.

16.    I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.

17.    Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

In the Gospel of Luke it also states:

NIV Luke 22:25-33

25.  Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors.

 26.  But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves.

 27.  For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.

 28.  You are those who have stood by me in my trials.

 29.  And I confer on you a kingdom, just as my Father conferred one on me,

30.   So that you may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom and sit on thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

 31.  "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat.

 32.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

 33.  But he replied, "Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death."

NIV John 13:33-38

 33.  "My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come.

 34.  "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

The text continues:

NIV John 13:33-38

35.  By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

 36.  Simon Peter asked him, "Lord, where are you going?"   Jesus replied, "Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later."

 37.  Peter asked, "Lord, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you."

38.    Then Jesus answered, "Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!

Before the betrayal and crucifixion, Peter presented himself as courageous, bold and brash! Standing at the side of the Messiah, it appears that he believed he was on the brink of ushering in God’s earthly Kingdom! Peter was looking for power and glory! 

But Jesus wasn’t preparing him for that kind of glory, at least not at this time. Jesus was preparing him for service. Peter had repeatedly resisted Christ’s Lordship and teachings about service. He had actively ignored the preparation Jesus had provided. He was not ready to serve, but he was ready and willing to fight and die! And hopefully rule with Messiah! 

Peter had been living in a dream world.

Many of us who struggle with strong emotions like Peter feel a similar willingness to work hard, fight great opposition, and make great sacrifices for our Savior. 

We may have intense feelings of loyalty, duty, and a strong sense of responsibility. We may even be leaders or people in positions of authority. Never the less, if Christ is calling us to something else, we are defying His Lordship and walking in disobedience when we ignore and defy His direction. 

He is the one who directs our path. 

                

The Gospel of John continues:

NIV John 18:3-11

 3.  So Judas came to the grove, guiding a detachment of soldiers and some officials from the chief priests and Pharisees. They were carrying torches, lanterns and weapons. 

The text continues:

NIV John 18:3-11

4.  Jesus, knowing all that was going to happen to him, went out and asked them, "Who is it you want?"

 5.  "Jesus of Nazareth," they replied.   "I am he," Jesus said. (And Judas the traitor was standing there with them.)

6.   When Jesus said, "I am he," they drew back and fell to the ground. 

Jesus was prepared to deliver the disciples from the hands of the crowd and soldiers that approached him! Even as he had been delivered many times from the angry crowds in the past, His supernatural power was demonstrated here. 

Earlier Jesus stated:   

KJV John 10:17-18

“Therefore doth my Father love me, because I lay down my life, that I might take it again. No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father.”

The text continues:

NIV John 18:3-11

 7.  Again he asked them, "Who is it you want?"   And they said, "Jesus of Nazareth."

 8.  "I told you that I am he," Jesus answered. "If you are looking for me, then let these men go."

 9.  This happened so that the words he had spoken would be fulfilled: "I have not lost one of those you gave me."

 10.  Then Simon Peter, who had a sword, drew it and struck the high priest's servant, cutting off his right ear. (The servant's name was Malchus.)

 11.  Jesus commanded Peter, "Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?"

Here again Peter was out of sync with Jesus. Jesus had said, “Let these men go,” and Peter ignored Him! Jesus was deescalating the situation, to allow the disciples to escape. He had demonstrated His power, and was now requesting a bloodthirsty mob to act rationally.

Peter on the other hand was ready to attack and usher in, ”the Kingdom.” His moment for glory had arrived, so he escalated the conflict to battle mode. 

Peter drew his sword and struck!  Here again he is acting like Cain. But this wasn’t his moment of glory. Peter was just lashing out at the closest person in an effort to seize control.

  For most people of strong emotion who struggle with controlling anger, it is easy to lash out when our expectations are not met. Our fears can impair our judgment and distort our perceptions so much that we may feel justified, or even heroic when we vent the intensity of our emotion onto those around us. 

Fortunately, Jesus knows up from down, and wants to bring healing both to us, and those we cause harm to.  Jesus healed the man’s ear.

Jesus knew Peter. Peter’s heart was strong. He had prayed for him and He was working through the sifting to let Peter see the content of his own heart, even as He does in our hearts. Jesus is not surprised by our weaknesses, and failures. God uses them to demonstrate the depth of His love for us, and to bring us to repentance and restoration. Peter was an example of God’s graciousness to those of us who repeatedly mess up with great intensity!

 Peter eventually got the message, but not immediately. Jesus never gave up on Peter. He continued to call him to the service that had been prepared for him. Several days later, after His resurrection, Jesus speaks as though He is picking up on the same conversation right where He had left off. It is as though nothing had happened. 

Jesus remained on task, focused on the will of the Father for Peter, but Jesus’ persistence was hard for Peter. 

  

The text continues:

NIV John 21:1-23

 1.  Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Tiberias.  It happened this way:

2.   Simon Peter, Thomas (called Didymus), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together.

Do you Love me more than these?

   

 The text continues:

NIV John 21:1-23

 3.  "I'm going out to fish," Simon Peter told them, and they said, "We'll go with you." So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.

 4.  Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.

 5.  He called out to them, "Friends, haven't you any fish?"   "No," they answered.

 6.  He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

 7.  Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.

 8.  The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards.

 9.  When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread.

 10.  Jesus said to them, "Bring some of the fish you have just caught."

 11.  Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn.

 12.  Jesus said to them, "Come and have breakfast." None of the disciples dared ask him, "Who are you?" They knew it was the Lord.

13.    Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish.

14.    This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.

  15. When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"   "Yes, Lord," he said, "You know that I love you."   Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

 16.  Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"   He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."   Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."

 17. The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"   Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."   Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.”

Jesus knew that Peter wanted to show brotherly love and loyalty to Him on his terms, even as a soldier would. Peter had demonstrated that. 

But Peter didn’t express any desire to, “Truly Love, Follow and Serve” in the way that Jesus was asking. 

The love Jesus was asking about is the, “agapao love,” described in John 3:16. This is the self sacrificing love that Jesus demonstrated toward us. 

For this Peter would need to change. He would have to love Christ more than these,… more than the familiarity of this life with these boats, fish and the money they represented.

More than these followers that respected and looked up to him for leadership, more than his pride and self confidence.

The text continues:

NIV John 21:1-23

18.    I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."

19.                                                    Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he

      said to him, "Follow me!"

 20.  Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?")

 21.  When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"

22.       Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

Peter was still in denial. He was not ready to hear Christ’s concerns. He was still trying to hide from them. Instead of acknowledging his shortcomings, repenting, and accepting his assignment he tried to change the subject and began making comparisons and demands. 

Jesus was not distracted, or angered. He remained on task, but this time He stated His Fathers plan in the imperative. “You must follow me.” Earlier Christ had stated:

NIV John 12:24-26

 24.  I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. 

 25.  The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

The text continues:

NIV John 12:24-26

 26.  Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.

                                        

Peter had been sifted like wheat, and found wanting. He had repeatedly denied even knowing Jesus, and had led the other disciples back to fishing after watching his idol of false belief and control being torn down at Jesus' death. 

His dream of self-centered glory was dying, even as Jesus had warned, but this was only the beginning for Peter. 

Peter would still have to exchange his concerns for Christ’s concerns, his heart for Christ’s heart. Peter would learn to die to his old self, abandon his idols and tear down his monuments.

KJV Ezekiel 11:19-21

19.  And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:

 20.  That they may walk in my statutes, and keep mine ordinances, and do them: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God.

 21.  But as for them whose heart walketh after the heart of their detestable things and their abominations, I will recompense their way upon their own heads, saith the Lord God.

Identify at least two, "Cherished Beliefs," "Passionate Points of View, or, "Prideful Practices," that have become as, “IDOLS,” in how they distract you or control your responses and interfere with your true purpose or  calling in Christ? 

How has your allegiance to these beliefs affected you?

How has it affected your relationship with your family members?

Do these beliefs represent a need that you feel should be met?

What is the truth about these beliefs?

                        

(12) Reprograming (Our Heart Condition)

REPROGRAMMING

(some balancing scriptures)

 

Although our deepest feeling can be somewhat of a mystery to us, they are no mystery too our Heavenly Father. He is mindful of our feelings, or as psychologist would say, “our affect,” even before we are.

He knows our motivations, joys and fears. He understands our secret desires, and intentions, yet He remains constant in His love toward us. This area, of our inner man, is the area that He is most concerned about. The following are some verses that describe our condition before Him.

Our heart is our place of greatest need.

KJV Matthew 12:33-37
33.Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit.
34.O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.
35.A good man out of the good treasure of the heart brings forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.
36.But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
37.For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

KJV Jeremiah 17:7-11
7. Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.
8. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.
9. The heart is deceitful above all things, and
desperately wicked: who can know it?
10.I the Lord search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.
11. As the partridge sitteth on eggs, and hatcheth them not; so he that getteth riches, and not by right, shall leave them in the midst of his days, and at his end shall be a fool.

Psalms 51:6
Behold, Thou desirest truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

Proverbs 20:27
The spirit of man is the candle of the Lord, searching all the inward parts of the belly.

Psalms 90:8
Thou hast set our iniquities before thee, our secret sins in the light of thy countenance.

God created us to have a relationship with Him. He has been intimately involved with us long before we were aware of Him. The Bible states that we are created in the manner that pleased Him. The way we are is not a mistake.

NIV Psalms 139:13-17
13. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are
wonderful, I know that full well.
15.My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I
was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16.your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written
in your book before one of them came to be.
17. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of
them!

God wants to work through our present circumstances to bring about His purpose in our lives and the lives of those around us.


NIV John 9:2-3
2. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
3. "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

The result of our cooperating with God in this area is a change in our emotions, as our inner being is being remade according to his will.

King James
Psalms 16:7 

I will bless the Lord, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons.

Psalms 31:19-20
19.Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!
20.Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.

Deuteronomy 29:29
The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.

Psalms 91:1-3
1. He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the
Almighty.
2. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

Psalms 25:12-21
12.What man is he that feareth the Lord? him shall He teach in the way that he shall choose.
13. His soul shall dwell at ease; and his seed shall inherit the earth.
14.The secret of the Lord is with them that fear him; and he will shew them his
covenant.
15. Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net.
16. Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted.
17. The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses.
18. Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and forgive all my sins.
19. Consider mine enemies; for they are many; and they hate me with cruel hatred.
20.O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in
Thee.
21. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee.

KJV Psalms 19:8-14
8. The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the
Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.
9. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.
10. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.
11. Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward.
12. Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults.
13. Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have
dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the
great transgression.
14.Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in
thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Consider the change in heart attitude that Peter had! Yes, the same Peter, who had repeatedly resisted, and even opposed God’s plan to have Messiah suffer and die to establish The Kingdom.

The same Peter who was so internally distracted with his own stuff that he ignored Jesus’ admonitions to prepare, pray, and to strengthen and serve his fellow believers during their darkest hour.

The same Peter who abandoned his ministry and led his brothers to leave their ministries as well!

The Peter that reopened his fishing business even though Christ himself had said that he was going to be a foundation stone of His Church!

Yes the same Peter, but changed! Consider his heart attitude as he writes to the young men.

He tells us to clothe ourselves, in humility as a display of our willingness to yield to God’s will and resist the enemy of our souls.

NIV 1 Peter 5:5-9
5. Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."
6. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up indue time.
7. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
8. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion
looking for someone to devour.
9. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers
throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.




Describe at least two practical examples of how you could, “Clothe yourself with humility.”







Who are we humbling ourselves before when we do this?






What anxieties; List at least three that you could, “Cast them off.”






How does anxiety affect our ability to humble ourselves?

 

(13) Settling Accounts (Judgement and Forgiveness)

Settling Accounts

judgment and forgiveness

Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”

Genesis 18:25
Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! “Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”

 Settling Accounts

It is easy to assume that God’s Greatest Desire is to execute judgment on his enemies. Many of the assumptions about Christ’s return characterize Him being vengeful and angry, animated with an eagerness for revenge against those who have violated His laws, or harmed his people. The Bible is clear, that Christ will return, and justice will be executed in a powerful way, but it is also clear that this act is not a pleasant thing to God.

Ezekiel 33:11
Say to them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die?

When it comes to justice, the Bible presents God as being far more invested in forgiveness than condemnation. The following verses illustrate this.

Psalm 130:1-8
¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;
² Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, LORD, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve  you.

⁵ I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.
⁶ I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷ Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
⁸ He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

Matthew 26:28
This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

Mark 1:4
And so John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.

Luke 3:3
He went into all the country around the Jordan, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.

Acts 2:38
Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Acts 10:43
All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.”

Acts 13:38
“Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.

Luke 1:76-79
⁷⁶ And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him,
⁷⁷ to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins,
⁷⁸ because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven
⁷⁹ to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the path of peace.”

Committed to Forgiveness

It is clear from the scriptures that God is very invested in forgiveness! He is fully committed, even to the of point death. By giving his own life on the cross He demonstrated His commitment.

If we are to be “Godly people,” then we must recognize this and seek to stand with God in this matter. Jesus directed us to extend this attitude into all of our relationships.

Matthew 5:43-45

⁴³You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 

⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

He commands us to forgive, and pay attention to the needs of those close to us.

Matthew 6 9-14

⁹“This, then, is how you should pray: “‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
¹⁰ your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
¹¹ Give us today our daily bread.
¹² And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
¹³ And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’

¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 

¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

1^st Peter 3:7

⁷ Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

And finally,

Romans 12:19

¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

So why is it important to forgive?

As you can see offences resentments and hatred literally rob you. 

They steal your happiness, and sense of wellbeing. Even if you experience injustice or someone inflicted some great harm on you, continuing to hold resentment and hatred increases the damage. They, extend the suffering long after the incident is over.

When you let go of resentment and hatred, a huge part of your past let's go of you. 

       Holding hatred is like intentionally hurting yourself. In comparison, forgiving others for their past offenses, releases your heart from the imprisonment of hatred and blame. Once free, we can begin to experience healing.

In conflict situations, we frequently excuse our wrong actions and minimize our role in creating the chaos and harm. It is difficult for us not to inflate the perceived wrongs done against us. This tendency toward distortion adds to our sense of injustice and blocks us from finding true power through responsibility to improve the situation. This distortion sets us up for continued failure and disappointment.

Forgiveness is not forgetting the wrong, it is not excusing the wrong, or pretending that it was, “ok,” or that, “It didn’t really matter,” on the contrary! 

Full forgiveness requires becoming fully aware of the wrong, and it’s effects. It is to see it clearly in the perspective of time and allow it to slide into our past. 

Forgiveness is turning the pain, of both past and present over to God. It is to be open and honest with God about it on an ongoing basis. It is to entrust God to take care of the situation; both the injustice and the pain, in the way that He chooses. 

It is to let go of trying to control the situation and trying to force the blame and punishment. It is to yield those rights to God.

Does this mean that we are to stop actions, like restraining orders, garnishment of pay, or legal proceedings enacted to provide protection? No! Not until safety is assured.

Does it mean that we are to curtail the portions of legal proceedings that are in place to inflict undue punishment, harm, or revenge? In general yes, but it is wise to seek counsel before making these decisions. 

Justice can seem harsh, but it may be the very tool that brings change in the life of the other person. God is capable of using even the harshest circumstances to bring about change. 

As stated earlier, He uses them to draw people lovingly to Himself. That is His redemptive nature. The important thing is that we stand with God, allowing Him rather than ourselves to carry out the sentence. 

It may be necessary to wait, even to the final day of reckoning since our court systems are imperfect. In either case we are to give the emotional baggage to Him, and as much as possible, and leave it there.

Forgiving is one issue, asking for forgiveness is a completely different aspect of forgiveness.

  It is very rare for one party in a conflict to be responsible for 100% of the wrong doing, yet it is typical to seek out, or attempt to establish one of the opponents as being, “the one in the wrong.” 

If you for example were truly only responsible for 10% of the wrongdoing, doesn’t that also make you 10% guilty as well? Even if your opponent is guilty of the larger portion, that doesn’t justify or remove your guilt. For the situation to be resolved, you need to seek forgiveness as well?

Seeking forgiveness without establishing who is at greater fault can be a very effective move toward healing a relationship. 

Just because you do not feel that it was your fault does not necessarily mean you should not ask for forgiveness. If the goal is to move toward reconciliation and restoration, this may be essential. 

The other person may not feel safe enough, or have the courage to ask for forgiveness or even to forgive. Often it is appropriate for the person with a more resilient emotional makeup to handle more of the weight in a situation. 

It is appropriate in the same way that is appropriate for the stronger person to do the physically heavier lifting when moving furniture. In all honesty, none of us have equal emotional abilities.

A word of caution:

Asking forgiveness should not become a manipulative tool to attempt to take the higher moral ground, to get the pressure off, or sway your opponent’s emotions into dismissing the abuse or wrongdoing. 

Forgiveness should not remove true and appropriate consequences.

 Example; You frighten your partner by grabbing her arm and not letting her leave during an argument. Her reaction is to appear to tolerate the moment, but later she gathers many of her personal items and moves out to temporary housing,  stating, “I don’t feel safe here with you.” 

 If you were to seek forgiveness, and she responded, “I forgive you.” 

Her forgiving you, would NOT mean that she should be moving back home. Moving back home has to do with her ability to feel safe with you. 

This is a matter of trust, not forgiveness. 

If you attempt to force this kind of an issue, you are simply adding to the abuse. Shortcut gestures like ignoring the issue, distracting with gifts or passion and then making up are also not pathways to true forgiveness. 

 Deeply emotional, but temporary displays of remorse, and opulent displays of seeking forgiveness through tears, gifts, and promises are the primary manipulative tools utilized by most abusers as the, “Cycle of Abuse,” displays in the diagrams the end of each chapter.  

If anything, they are the, “ Wedding Event,”  preceding The Honeymoon Period in this, "Violence Cycle." These displays can disarm and distract their partners.  Without this tool the cycle could not be maintained as easily. 

This does not mean that these displays are not sincere at the time! On the contrary! They are probably some of the deepest emotions that both partners will experience. 

So powerful, that they are often intoxicating!

   Often with the end of one abusive relationship, a partner will be drawn in a powerful way to a new abusive relationship. Early in this new relationship there may be no warning signs of the coming abuse, no sign except the intoxicating allure of their emotional intensity. 

The term falling for him, or her, or falling in love, is well coined here! The familiarity is so comfortable, and like moths we may be repeatedly drawn a similar flame.

 It is not uncommon for couples when they break the Cycle of Abuse to have trouble relating. Without the intense turmoil of conflict and reconciliation, they may experience a sense of distance, or drabness in their relationship. It is important to redirect this intensity, to find and share positive things to be passionate about!

 Isn’t it much wiser to plan and invest in celebrations of genuine love and commitment! How about having Honeymoons of success?

 It can be as simple as looking forward to going on walks together, or as elaborate as traveling the world. The difference is that it is deliberate. 

It requires planning and execution. As time passes the memories shared can be like a growing bank account attesting to the depth of your mature love and commitment.  

In contrast; in the “Cycle of Abuse, “the Honeymoon ends with the next controlling manipulation or outburst of anger. 

The problem is not insincerity! The problem is that these emotions and actions are, “Need Driven, “originating and empowered by deep insecurity. 

(See handout 6, Foundations; The Tyranny of Self.)

When the sense of insecurity is reduced, so is the emotional urgency.

The insanity of the abuse cycle is not so much about any specific action either partner does. It is more about soothing this sense of insecurity. The temporary nature of the abuser's remorse, may simply be that the remorse is only over the consequences incurred, and not their wrong beliefs and actions. 

If the consequences are removed, so may be the remorse. The remorse may also be over the loss of needed control the abuser experiences in a prideful sense. It may be over the loss of control over self, (including shame, guilt, and self loathing) or, loss of control over the situation (including the partner, their attitudes actions and beliefs, and what others believe about the situation.) 

As the abuser feels more in control of these areas, the feelings of remorse leave, and things get back to the usual patterns of response and control.

As stated earlier, forgiveness should not remove true and appropriate consequences.

Some reasons to seek forgiveness.

Forgiveness can help you physically. It reduces tension and anxiety in your life. Conflict and anger are unhealthy. They exacerbate health problems like cancer, high blood pressure, cardiovascular diseases, arthritis, and slow physical healing.

Forgiveness can help you emotionally and mentally.  Anger and a continued sense of powerlessness due to unresolved conflict often result in depression and anxiety affecting our thoughts and feelings.

Forgiveness can help you socially. Continued conflict robs us of our sense of peace and well being. Maintaining anger usually causes us to isolate, or to seek support from others as we seek to justify our position. This does not lead to peace of mind. It may even cause the supportive people in our life to disagree, and pull away from us.

Seeking forgiveness and making amends to those persons you have hurt and forgiving those who have hurt you will give you a sense of liberation and relief and improve your other relationships.

Forgiveness will bring stability and order to existing relationships, and provide more enjoyable companionship. Finding people to be friends or partners with in this world is a tough job. It may be difficult to find new people willing to share as much as the ones you have had conflict with. 

Nurturing a relationship is not easy and once that relationship is ruined with misunderstandings or quarrels, it can be a terrible loss. Seeking forgiveness and making true amends can help rebuild broken relationships.

 

Practicing forgiveness will give you a happier life. 

Focusing on the bad things that have happened in the past and maintaining anger and resentment in your heart will not protect you from future harm. But it may cause you to overlook the positive things that have occurred and continue to happen. 

In order to find balance and see the whole picture, a person must let go of past anger and accept the present positives. Then we will gain perspective and be able to face new challenges and grow from our experiences.

       

How to ask for forgiveness?

(If tension remains high it may be preferable to do this in a public setting such as a restaurant, coffee shop, bus station, diner, bookstore, etc.)

Consider what happened, and the progression of events.

Consider what was lost, and what has replaced it.

Briefly state your general perception of the harms that you caused, and then ask them to tell you their experience. 

Allow them to speak without interrupting.  Allow them to have the last word. 

Tell them what you heard.

How did your actions affected the other person physically?

How did your actions cause emotional pain or loss for the other person?

How did your actions affect the other person’s sense of dignity or sense of well being?

Briefly state your fuller perceptions of the harm that you caused

How will you attempt to restore what was lost, or replaced it?

Briefly state any options that you are willing to commit to, to repair the harm that you caused, and then ask them to tell you theirs.(Allow them to speak without interrupting) Tell them what you heard. .(Allow them to have the last word)

What action will you take to ensure this, (be specific)

Briefly state how you are taking responsibility for your actions and  ways you have become more accountable. (Allow them to speak without interrupting) Tell them what you heard. .(Allow them to have the last word)

Tell them, what do you want for the future and ask them about their hopes.

(Share your thoughts, and then ask them to tell you theirs.)

Tell them what you heard. .(Allow them to speak without interrupting)

Regardless of their receptivity or openness in the above conversation, review, how you have wronged the other person, and what would have been the right or appropriate attitude and action in the situation. 

If you are allowed too, express your sorrow, and request their forgiveness.

If appropriate, (if they have also presented wrongdoing and are seeking forgiveness), and you are ready to extend forgiveness to them. Tell them so. 

Tell them that you forgive them for,( stating the specifics that they shared, or in general, for their part in the conflict.)

After that give that person time to reflect and think about what just happened. They may or may not be ready to forgive you. The important thing is that you did your part, and the first step in rebuilding your relationship has been taken.  

It is also an important step in improving your relationship with God and the other people in your life.

Finally this is essentially a private matter for the purpose of reestablishing trust between the two of you. It is very important that the event not become a conversation manipulation tool to present yourself as being the, “better person,” in the eyes of others. 

Your partner’s response is not to become an opportunity for further blame or gossip. 

If forgiveness is truly being offered, or requested, it is important to allow the person time to adjust to the idea.

                                      

Forgiveness is about trust, and trust cannot be forced.

Seeking and receiving forgiveness is not a tool to try to remove, sidestep, or minimize appropriate consequences. Rebuilding trust is a difficult task.  Taking responsibility for your actions and accepting the consequences are necessary if trust is to grow.  

If you continue to show yourself untrustworthy, you will eventually be seen and known for that by everyone. Admit your wrongs and learn from them.

The biggest challenge in recovery is not merely stopping the behavior that seems to be out of control. 

The biggest challenges are in the area of beliefs. 

It is about what we truly know and believe about ourselves once we stop our denial. It is about what others believe about us as well.

As we do the work of rebuilding our beliefs, we will need to take an inventory to see exactly where we stand. This is done in step 4 of the Recovery 12 steps.

 When we recognize and confess our shortcomings it benefits us!

God already knows our shortcomings but this does not cause Him to turn away from us. The scriptures say that our becoming aware of our sins and rejecting them brings Him great joy.  

    At the beginning of this section I mentioned that we need to stand with God on the issue of forgiveness. The Good news is that He is inviting us to do just that.

 His desire is that we experience His forgiveness, and learn to forgive ourselves as well.

 The consequence of our shortcomings, or, “sins,” was His death on the cross where He willingly took the punishment we deserved. He made this investment because of His deep love and commitment to us. His stated desire is that we be set free from the guilt and shame of our past, and enjoy a genuine relationship with Him.

He demonstrated His love, and as we learn to accept it, we begin to respond in return. It is common to feel that God could not forgive me, for the kind of things I have done. But this is not accurate. 

When we say this, in reality we are really saying, “If I were God,” I wouldn’t forgive a person like me for doing what I did. Thankfully you and I aren’t God! If He chooses to forgive, even though we would advise against it, that is His business. 

Our part is to believe Him and accept the gift He offers.  If we feel insecure in our relationship with Him, as in any love relationship we can seek reassurance.   

Reading the scriptures, prayer, and especially music that celebrate the wonders of His love and forgiveness can be very reassuring. As in any love relationship, the feeling of closeness waxes and wanes, but that does not mean His love and commitment does.

(Now go back and review the scriptures at the beginning of this section.)