Settling Accounts
judgment and forgiveness
Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”
Genesis 18:25
Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! “Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”
Settling Accounts
It is easy to assume that God’s Greatest Desire is to execute judgment on his enemies. Many of the assumptions about Christ’s return characterize Him being vengeful and angry, animated with an eagerness for revenge against those who have violated His laws, or harmed his people. The Bible is clear, that Christ will return, and justice will be executed in a powerful way, but it is also clear that this act is not a pleasant thing to God.
Say to them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die?
When it comes to justice, the Bible presents God as being far more invested in forgiveness than condemnation. The following verses illustrate this.
How did your actions affect the other person’s sense of dignity or sense of well being?
Psalm 130:1-8
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;
2 Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;
2 Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, LORD, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
4 But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
5 I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.
6 I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 Israel
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeemIsrael
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem
Matthew 26:28
This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.
This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.
Mark 1:4
And so John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.
And so John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.
Luke 3:3
He went into all the country around theJordan
He went into all the country around the
Acts 2:38
Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
Acts 10:43
All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.”
All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.”
Acts 13:38
“Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.
“Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.
Luke 1:76-79
76 And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him,
77 to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins,
78 because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven
79 to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the path of peace.”
76 And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him,
77 to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins,
78 because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven
79 to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the path of peace.”
Committed to Forgiveness
It is clear from the scriptures that God is very invested in forgiveness! He is fully committed, even to the of point death. By giving his own life on the cross He demonstrated His commitment.
If we are to be “Godly people,” then we must recognize this and seek to stand with God in this matter. Jesus directed us to extend this attitude into all of our relationships.
Matthew 5:43-45
43You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
He commands us to forgive, and pay attention to the needs of those close to us.
Matthew 6 9-14
9“This, then, is how you should pray: “‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
1st Peter 3:7
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
And finally,
Romans 12:19
19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
So why is it important to forgive?
As you can see offences resentments and hatred literally rob you.
They steal your happiness, and sense of wellbeing. Even if you experience injustice or someone inflicted some great harm on you, continuing to hold resentment and hatred increases the damage. They, extend the suffering long after the incident is over.
When you let go of resentment and hatred, a huge part of your past let's go of you.
Holding hatred is like intentionally hurting yourself. In comparison, forgiving others for their past offenses, releases your heart from the imprisonment of hatred and blame. Once free, we can begin to experience healing.
In conflict situations, we frequently excuse our wrong actions and minimize our role in creating the chaos and harm. It is difficult for us not to inflate the perceived wrongs done against us. This tendency toward distortion adds to our sense of injustice and blocks us from finding true power through responsibility to improve the situation. This distortion sets us up for continued failure and disappointment.
Forgiveness is not forgetting the wrong, it is not excusing the wrong, or pretending that it was, “ok,” or that, “It didn’t really matter,” on the contrary!
Full forgiveness requires becoming fully aware of the wrong, and it’s effects. It is to see it clearly in the perspective of time and allow it to slide into our past.
Forgiveness is turning the pain, of both past and present over to God. It is to be open and honest with God about it on an ongoing basis. It is to entrust God to take care of the situation; both the injustice and the pain, in the way that He chooses.
It is to let go of trying to control the situation and trying to force the blame and punishment. It is to yield those rights to God.
Does this mean that we are to stop actions, like restraining orders, garnishment of pay, or legal proceedings enacted to provide protection? No! Not until safety is assured.
Does it mean that we are to curtail the portions of legal proceedings that are in place to inflict undue punishment, harm, or revenge? In general yes, but it is wise to seek counsel before making these decisions.
Justice can seem harsh, but it may be the very tool that brings change in the life of the other person. God is capable of using even the harshest circumstances to bring about change.
As stated earlier, He uses them to draw people lovingly to Himself. That is His redemptive nature. The important thing is that we stand with God, allowing Him rather than ourselves to carry out the sentence.
It may be necessary to wait, even to the final day of reckoning since our court systems are imperfect. In either case we are to give the emotional baggage to Him, and as much as possible, and leave it there.
Forgiving is one issue, asking for forgiveness is a completely different aspect of forgiveness.
It is very rare for one party in a conflict to be responsible for 100% of the wrong doing, yet it is typical to seek out, or attempt to establish one of the opponents as being, “the one in the wrong.”
If you for example were truly only responsible for 10% of the wrongdoing, doesn’t that also make you 10% guilty as well? Even if your opponent is guilty of the larger portion, that doesn’t justify or remove your guilt. For the situation to be resolved, you need to seek forgiveness as well?
Seeking forgiveness without establishing who is at greater fault can be a very effective move toward healing a relationship.
Just because you do not feel that it was your fault does not necessarily mean you should not ask for forgiveness. If the goal is to move toward reconciliation and restoration, this may be essential.
The other person may not feel safe enough, or have the courage to ask for forgiveness or even to forgive. Often it is appropriate for the person with a more resilient emotional makeup to handle more of the weight in a situation.
It is appropriate in the same way that is appropriate for the stronger person to do the physically heavier lifting when moving furniture. In all honesty, none of us have equal emotional abilities.
A word of caution:
Asking forgiveness should not become a manipulative tool to attempt to take the higher moral ground, to get the pressure off, or sway your opponent’s emotions into dismissing the abuse or wrongdoing.
Forgiveness should not remove true and appropriate consequences.
Example; You frighten your partner by grabbing her arm and not letting her leave during an argument. Her reaction is to appear to tolerate the moment, but later she gathers many of her personal items and moves out to temporary housing, stating, “I don’t feel safe here with you.”
If you were to seek forgiveness, and she responded, “I forgive you.”
Her forgiving you, would NOT mean that she should be moving back home. Moving back home has to do with her ability to feel safe with you.
This is a matter of trust, not forgiveness.
If you attempt to force this kind of an issue, you are simply adding to the abuse. Shortcut gestures like ignoring the issue, distracting with gifts or passion and then making up are also not pathways to true forgiveness.
Deeply emotional, but temporary displays of remorse, and opulent displays of seeking forgiveness through tears, gifts, and promises are the primary manipulative tools utilized by most abusers as the, “Cycle of Abuse,” displays in the diagrams the end of each chapter.
If anything, they are the, “ Wedding Event,” preceding The Honeymoon Period in this, "Violence Cycle." These displays can disarm and distract their partners. Without this tool the cycle could not be maintained as easily.
This does not mean that these displays are not sincere at the time! On the contrary! They are probably some of the deepest emotions that both partners will experience.
So powerful, that they are often intoxicating!
Often with the end of one abusive relationship, a partner will be drawn in a powerful way to a new abusive relationship. Early in this new relationship there may be no warning signs of the coming abuse, no sign except the intoxicating allure of their emotional intensity.
The term falling for him, or her, or falling in love, is well coined here! The familiarity is so comfortable, and like moths we may be repeatedly drawn a similar flame.
It is not uncommon for couples when they break the Cycle of Abuse to have trouble relating. Without the intense turmoil of conflict and reconciliation, they may experience a sense of distance, or drabness in their relationship. It is important to redirect this intensity, to find and share positive things to be passionate about!
Isn’t it much wiser to plan and invest in celebrations of genuine love and commitment! How about having Honeymoons of success?
It can be as simple as looking forward to going on walks together, or as elaborate as traveling the world. The difference is that it is deliberate.
It requires planning and execution. As time passes the memories shared can be like a growing bank account attesting to the depth of your mature love and commitment.
In contrast; in the “Cycle of Abuse, “the Honeymoon ends with the next controlling manipulation or outburst of anger.
The problem is not insincerity! The problem is that these emotions and actions are, “Need Driven, “originating and empowered by deep insecurity.
(See handout 6, Foundations; The Tyranny of Self.)
When the sense of insecurity is reduced, so is the emotional urgency.
The insanity of the abuse cycle is not so much about any specific action either partner does. It is more about soothing this sense of insecurity. The temporary nature of the abuser's remorse, may simply be that the remorse is only over the consequences incurred, and not their wrong beliefs and actions.
If the consequences are removed, so may be the remorse. The remorse may also be over the loss of needed control the abuser experiences in a prideful sense. It may be over the loss of control over self, (including shame, guilt, and self loathing) or, loss of control over the situation (including the partner, their attitudes actions and beliefs, and what others believe about the situation.)
As the abuser feels more in control of these areas, the feelings of remorse leave, and things get back to the usual patterns of response and control.
As stated earlier, forgiveness should not remove true and appropriate consequences.
Some reasons to seek forgiveness.
Forgiveness can help you physically. It reduces tension and anxiety in your life. Conflict and anger are unhealthy. They exacerbate health problems like cancer, high blood pressure, cardiovascular diseases, arthritis, and slow physical healing.
Forgiveness can help you emotionally and mentally. Anger and a continued sense of powerlessness due to unresolved conflict often result in depression and anxiety affecting our thoughts and feelings.
Forgiveness can help you socially. Continued conflict robs us of our sense of peace and well being. Maintaining anger usually causes us to isolate, or to seek support from others as we seek to justify our position. This does not lead to peace of mind. It may even cause the supportive people in our life to disagree, and pull away from us.
Seeking forgiveness and making amends to those persons you have hurt and forgiving those who have hurt you will give you a sense of liberation and relief and improve your other relationships.
Forgiveness will bring stability and order to existing relationships, and provide more enjoyable companionship. Finding people to be friends or partners with in this world is a tough job. It may be difficult to find new people willing to share as much as the ones you have had conflict with.
Nurturing a relationship is not easy and once that relationship is ruined with misunderstandings or quarrels, it can be a terrible loss. Seeking forgiveness and making true amends can help rebuild broken relationships.
Practicing forgiveness will give you a happier life.
Focusing on the bad things that have happened in the past and maintaining anger and resentment in your heart will not protect you from future harm. But it may cause you to overlook the positive things that have occurred and continue to happen.
In order to find balance and see the whole picture, a person must let go of past anger and accept the present positives. Then we will gain perspective and be able to face new challenges and grow from our experiences.
How to ask for forgiveness?
(If tension remains high it may be preferable to do this in a public setting such as a restaurant, coffee shop, bus station, diner, bookstore, etc.)
Consider what happened, and the progression of events.
Consider what was lost, and what has replaced it.
Allow them to speak without interrupting. Allow them to have the last word.
Tell them what you heard.
How did your actions affected the other person physically?
Briefly state your fuller perceptions of the harm that you caused
How will you attempt to restore what was lost, or replaced it?
Briefly state any options that you are willing to commit to, to repair the harm that you caused, and then ask them to tell you theirs.(Allow them to speak without interrupting) Tell them what you heard. .(Allow them to have the last word)
What action will you take to ensure this, (be specific)
Briefly state how you are taking responsibility for your actions and ways you have become more accountable. (Allow them to speak without interrupting) Tell them what you heard. .(Allow them to have the last word)
Tell them, what do you want for the future and ask them about their hopes.
(Share your thoughts, and then ask them to tell you theirs.)
Tell them what you heard. .(Allow them to speak without interrupting)
Regardless of their receptivity or openness in the above conversation, review, how you have wronged the other person, and what would have been the right or appropriate attitude and action in the situation.
If you are allowed too, express your sorrow, and request their forgiveness.
If appropriate, (if they have also presented wrongdoing and are seeking forgiveness), and you are ready to extend forgiveness to them. Tell them so.
Tell them that you forgive them for,( stating the specifics that they shared, or in general, for their part in the conflict.)
After that give that person time to reflect and think about what just happened. They may or may not be ready to forgive you. The important thing is that you did your part, and the first step in rebuilding your relationship has been taken.
It is also an important step in improving your relationship with God and the other people in your life.
Finally this is essentially a private matter for the purpose of reestablishing trust between the two of you. It is very important that the event not become a conversation manipulation tool to present yourself as being the, “better person,” in the eyes of others.
Your partner’s response is not to become an opportunity for further blame or gossip.
If forgiveness is truly being offered, or requested, it is important to allow the person time to adjust to the idea.
Forgiveness is about trust, and trust cannot be forced.
Seeking and receiving forgiveness is not a tool to try to remove, sidestep, or minimize appropriate consequences. Rebuilding trust is a difficult task. Taking responsibility for your actions and accepting the consequences are necessary if trust is to grow.
If you continue to show yourself untrustworthy, you will eventually be seen and known for that by everyone. Admit your wrongs and learn from them.
The biggest challenge in recovery is not merely stopping the behavior that seems to be out of control.
The biggest challenges are in the area of beliefs.
It is about what we truly know and believe about ourselves once we stop our denial. It is about what others believe about us as well.
As we do the work of rebuilding our beliefs, we will need to take an inventory to see exactly where we stand. This is done in step 4 of the Recovery 12 steps.
When we recognize and confess our shortcomings it benefits us!
God already knows our shortcomings but this does not cause Him to turn away from us. The scriptures say that our becoming aware of our sins and rejecting them brings Him great joy.
At the beginning of this section I mentioned that we need to stand with God on the issue of forgiveness. The Good news is that He is inviting us to do just that.
His desire is that we experience His forgiveness, and learn to forgive ourselves as well.
The consequence of our shortcomings, or, “sins,” was His death on the cross where He willingly took the punishment we deserved. He made this investment because of His deep love and commitment to us. His stated desire is that we be set free from the guilt and shame of our past, and enjoy a genuine relationship with Him.
He demonstrated His love, and as we learn to accept it, we begin to respond in return. It is common to feel that God could not forgive me, for the kind of things I have done. But this is not accurate.
When we say this, in reality we are really saying, “If I were God,” I wouldn’t forgive a person like me for doing what I did. Thankfully you and I aren’t God! If He chooses to forgive, even though we would advise against it, that is His business.
Our part is to believe Him and accept the gift He offers. If we feel insecure in our relationship with Him, as in any love relationship we can seek reassurance.
Reading the scriptures, prayer, and especially music that celebrate the wonders of His love and forgiveness can be very reassuring. As in any love relationship, the feeling of closeness waxes and wanes, but that does not mean His love and commitment does.
(Now go back and review the scriptures at the beginning of this section.)
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