RECLAIMING OUR LOSSES
As you can see from the previous section our bodies have a powerful reaction to real and imagined threats of harm or loss. We have strong impulses that occur almost automatically.
If we are to gain control of these impulses, we have to become good managers of our bodies as well as our thoughts and emotions.
The first step is to become aware of our physiological response patterns. Second we become more aware of our motivations and needs. Finally we learn to live effectively within our limitations. We will lessen our limitations, and gain greater control as we continue.
Our goal is to develop skills to protect ourselves from feeling overwhelmed, and to develop the habit of living our daily lives without loosing control of our emotions. Journaling is how we gather information and evaluate our progress.
Below is a journal developed to help discover early signs of stress that affect both our bodies and minds, including the beliefs that drive our actions and words. It is created to show us how we respond or react to stress and distress.
It may be necessary to view the instructions for journaling on a computer due to distortion on the phone screen. With a printer connected you will also be able to print the sheets for personal journaling.
Journaling shortly after a stressful event is the most effective strategy, even if there are several in a short period of time. Patterns will become visible after about four of five entries and identifying exit or disengagement options an early goal. As a support person your job is to listen and explore the early signs. Not lecture or criticize, encourage and ask good questions.
Consequences are a late sign. The goal is to become more comfortable with stressful situations and not be blindsided by them. To discover ways to accept and take responsibility for our own emotions and treat ourselves and those around us in a more deliberate and positive manner. To learn to trust God in the storm.
It may be helpful to attack the habit of journaling as a task like any other task you would do on a job for an employer. Even if you did not have a significant, (guilt producing) event you should journal at least once a week for the first two months and share with your group. This will help you to grow in honesty and self awareness.
The knowledge you gain from journaling and sharing your posting will be helpful, but the heart change that occurs from completing this Devotional will make the changes much more permanent, otherwise we will only have a temporary crisis reduction.
(turn phone sideways and use rectangle in top right corner to see instructions for the next section)
If we are to gain control of these impulses, we have to become good managers of our bodies as well as our thoughts and emotions.
The first step is to become aware of our physiological response patterns. Second we become more aware of our motivations and needs. Finally we learn to live effectively within our limitations. We will lessen our limitations, and gain greater control as we continue.
Our goal is to develop skills to protect ourselves from feeling overwhelmed, and to develop the habit of living our daily lives without loosing control of our emotions. Journaling is how we gather information and evaluate our progress.
Below is a journal developed to help discover early signs of stress that affect both our bodies and minds, including the beliefs that drive our actions and words. It is created to show us how we respond or react to stress and distress.
It may be necessary to view the instructions for journaling on a computer due to distortion on the phone screen. With a printer connected you will also be able to print the sheets for personal journaling.
Journaling shortly after a stressful event is the most effective strategy, even if there are several in a short period of time. Patterns will become visible after about four of five entries and identifying exit or disengagement options an early goal. As a support person your job is to listen and explore the early signs. Not lecture or criticize, encourage and ask good questions.
Consequences are a late sign. The goal is to become more comfortable with stressful situations and not be blindsided by them. To discover ways to accept and take responsibility for our own emotions and treat ourselves and those around us in a more deliberate and positive manner. To learn to trust God in the storm.
It may be helpful to attack the habit of journaling as a task like any other task you would do on a job for an employer. Even if you did not have a significant, (guilt producing) event you should journal at least once a week for the first two months and share with your group. This will help you to grow in honesty and self awareness.
The knowledge you gain from journaling and sharing your posting will be helpful, but the heart change that occurs from completing this Devotional will make the changes much more permanent, otherwise we will only have a temporary crisis reduction.
The journal (description), can be identified as Anger, Frustration, Irritation, or whatever you call it.
Event Intensity 1= annoyed, 3 irritated, 5 upset, 7 disturbed, 8 agitated, 9 livid, 10 out of control
( ) Journal
-Number Rating
-Sweating, heart pounding, tight jaw or shoulders, twitching, upset stomach, poor vision, decreased concentration, shaking, gritting teeth, dry mouth, etc.
-Slamming, throwing or kicking things around, roughness, carelessness, mumbling to self, swearing
-Slamming, throwing or kicking things around, roughness, carelessness, mumbling to self, swearing
-Trying to hurt or cause harm to people, their property, their dignity or reputation. Describe type and intensity, and immediate effect on relationship.
-What happened, give the details, also give the event that may have led up to, or precipitated the event and attempts to avoid or diffuse it.
-Why not? or How long was it? Did you make an appointment to return? Did you identify goals and problem solve or ruminate during the time out? How did it help? Did it make things worse?
-Did you go passive hold it in and then boil inside.
-Escalate it and try to prove…, or force the issue.
-Escalate it and try to prove…, or force the issue.
-OR Direct it toward a goal NOT SELECTED IN ANGER?.
-This is about motivations. What we feel is happening. What it means to us. What we really wanted or thought we were loosing and what we would truly like if we could be more realistic. (may include reasonable compromise)
-Working off the frustration through exercise, work, busyness and distraction. How well did it work? Was anything accomplished?
Amount of time spent? Quantity, and the affect it had on you as a person, and those around you....
What you are saying in your mind, and under your breath. It is important to check it and replace distortions with truth. We need to self talk the truth, and reject the untruths.
above modified from ,”Velvet Steel”,
a class Created by Theo Johnson
scroll down to continue
As we journal we will watch for patterns.....
In time it will be easy to recognize the process of loosing control, not only of our temper and emotions, but also of our effectiveness in dealing with others in difficult situations.
Our first goal is to simply interrupt the anger process by implementing the Emergency Plan presented in Chapter 2.
It can be summarized as...
- LEAVING the conflict to regain control of your own emotions....
- When you find yourself needing to TELL or TALK, AT rather than Talking With, or you Withdraw to RELOAD your arguments...
- STOP because in your current state, YOU are NOT ABLE TO LISTEN constructively.
- And one or both are merely engaged in the conversation to strike out or strike back or overpower....
- Instead of overpowering you CAN demonstrate leadership and excuse yourself, Stating honestly, "I" am having difficulty listening.... even if they throwing things at you as you go out the door....
- to return in 1 hour. Either to that location.... or meet in a public place if there is likelihood of abuse from either person.
- This plan can be modified as our awareness and self control increase. Many times you will not be able to make a statement like the one above, but you can follow through with a similar plan.
- Even taking a 5 minute break in the bathroom can allow time for some of the stress and anger to dissipate if you do it early in the process. If you continue on our path to self awareness you will discover there are many options that you can use to get rid of stress.
- Experiencing less stress and having options to gain a greater sense of self control will be very satisfying. As we continue journaling our goal will be to create new replacement habits and extinguish the beliefs and habits that feed the Cycle of Abuse.
Print off and use the following form and use it to monitor your progress.
We want to make changes in the critical moments, so those critical moments are the moments that we need to journal about. Anytime we have one we should journal about it using the guide on the 1st page.
(double click form to see better detail
before taking screen shot of picture for printing)
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