(Chapter 1)
Dealing with Abusive Tendencies
GOT ANGER!
Or does your anger have you?
Take some time to
consider the following ...
John 8:34 NIV
31"If you hold to my teaching,
you are really my disciples.
32 Then you will know the truth,
and the truth will set you free.”
33 They answered him, “We ....
have never been slaves of anyone.
How can you say
that we shall be set free?”
34 Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you,
Everyone who sins is a slave to sin."
(Day 1)
Out walking one day
on one of my favorite streets.
And as I'm walking,
there in the shadows, I see something.
What is that? It looks like a hole or something?
I never noticed it before, but then
I wasn't really paying much
attention either and...
Somehow, I fell in!
Wow! Can you believe this?
Why is this happening to me?
How could I have been so stupid?
I hope nobody sees me here.
I am totally lost and
find myself helpless.
It isn’t my fault!
Why didn't somebody cover that hole?
Who dug this Freaking Hole?
Somebody should put up a sign
or something!
I work and struggle and it seems impossible
but eventually with great humiliation and struggle
I find my way out.
(Day 2)
Time passes and I start walking down the same street.
I have always liked this street.
This street is so familiar.
I feel comfortable here.
I know this street.
But what? As I walk
I see something curiously exciting.
There next to the hole.
The sight of the hole bothers me
but I pretend I don’t see it.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO
THINK ABOUT IT!!!!
I can just step over it or something
and...
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault!
How can it be my fault?
I didn't put this stupid hole here!
But I'd sure like to meet
the person who did!
It still takes a
very long time to get out.
(Day 3)
More time passes and...
I walk down the same street.
I meet the Lord Jesus Christ.
There is still a
a deep hole in the sidewalk,
and I see it is there, and...
I think I can handle it...
Even as I feel my feet slipping,
like I'm sliding or something.
I hardly even notice it happening.
I am in the pit again!
IT HAS BECOME A HABIT!
But with Jesus' help, my eyes are open,
and I know where I am.
I know that it is my fault and with His
help I get out immediately.
(Day 4)
As time passes ...
I walk down the same street.
There is still
a deep hole in the sidewalk
but this time I can see it clearly
as I walk without distraction
and allow the Lord to lead
me around it to the other side.
and I didn’t have to fall in!
(Day5)
The next day...
I follow the Lord down another street.
(the end)
Galatians 5:1 NIV
It is for freedom that
Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then,
do not let yourselves
be burdened again
by the yoke of slavery.
I suggest that you keep a notebook
(for questions, answers and journaling)
Where are you at in your journeys?
Have you experienced
holes in the sidewalk
you are walking on?
How would you describe
your struggles,
Are you usually alone,
or do you take others
with you when you fall?
Dealing with Abusive Tendencies
(continued)
As I learned to examine my
thoughts, emotions and actions
and found the courage to
trust in the goodness of
my higher power, the
Lord Jesus Christ!
I became able to tolerate
the difficult moments in life
without needing to act
out in ways that were
harmful to myself or others..
But it didn't happen immediately.
It was a process.....
and still is.
Men’s Anger Management Group Structure
In this ”Men’s Anger Group Devotional,” We will take a thorough look at stress and anger, and how to have freedom and integrity even in very difficult circumstances.
This is not designed to be done in solitary. You can form a subgroup with as few as two, much like a step study at Celebrate Recovery or A A. But this should not replace the large group meeting or 12 step study group process.
This Devotional is meant to supplement a discipline like CR not replace it.
If you have not attended a Celebrate Recovery I suggest you consider visiting. It will give you a place to talk with other men about your struggles and progress. I also suggest that you talk with your pastor or a trusted friend as to who you might ask to partner with as you go through this devotional.
In the following posts we will examine what causes anger, and see how it affects our bodies, our emotions, and our thoughts. We will look carefully at our relationships, and how we communicate with others. We will also address the effects of thought and mood disorders as well as medication benefits and limitations.
If you have not attended a Celebrate Recovery I suggest you consider visiting. It will give you a place to talk with other men about your struggles and progress. I also suggest that you talk with your pastor or a trusted friend as to who you might ask to partner with as you go through this devotional.
In the following posts we will examine what causes anger, and see how it affects our bodies, our emotions, and our thoughts. We will look carefully at our relationships, and how we communicate with others. We will also address the effects of thought and mood disorders as well as medication benefits and limitations.
We will gain resilience and grow in character as we build honest relationships with other men through accountability and follow through with our weekly assignments and sharing honestly.
We will learn how to utilize the principles of the 8 principle, 12-step process and grow in our personal relationship with Christ. Again, I strongly recommend that you attend and participate in the weekly CR meetings and a step study.
As we diligenty seek Him in this way, we will achieve...
ACCOUNTABILITY
Journaling tools will be provided with instruction on how to become more aware of stress and the way it affects your body, your thoughts, and your relationships. You will be encouraged to journal at least once each week, and be prepared to share at least some of your findings with your group.
The following post have questions or worksheets intended to foster thought, reflection, and prompt personal growth. You are encouraged to complete, and then be prepared to share at least some of your findings with your group.
STABILITY
At some points we will refer to the, “Celebrate Recovery,” material used in the large group. This material is a 12 step study focused on individual Christian Growth as related to overcoming various life obstacles and personal problems. The goal is to experience a more functional relationship with Jesus Christ and His family of believers, as well as improving our relationships with others in general.
SELF MANAGEMENT
As you create a small group and work through this material on a weekly basis you will be challenged in these postings to focus on different areas of your life ranging from internal sources of anger and how anger's effect on your body, and how it affects your relationships.
I encourage you to answer the questions as fully as possible in your journal, and not share or discuss them with spouse or people in general outside of your small group or Celebrate Recovery Group unless it is with your pastor or a counselor.
Although I am sure many of us would prefer to focus on a single area,
it takes time to make real changes that last.
Maturity, personal strength and emotional stability can only come through a well-rounded sustained approach.
Without it we will merely have temporary crisis management.
Please review the following prayer
Serenity Prayer
God
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
The courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships
as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships
as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
Trusting that You will make
all things right
if I surrender to Your Will;
So that I may be
reasonably happy in this life
So that I may be
reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You
Forever in the next.
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Reinhold Niebuhr, 1943.
What attitudes does this prayer call for?
Is this attitude reality based?
I believe that considering the midpoint,
" Taking as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is...
This sinful world as it is...
Not as I would have it."
helps keep my expectations reality based
as a Christ follower.
Are your current attitudes reality based?
GOT ANGER!
(Or does your anger have you?)
Abusive Tendencies
The closer someone is to us, the greater emotional power they have in our lives. Being with them can be our greatest source of pleasure, or a time of most intense unhappiness.The sad thing is that we are all born with abusive tendencies that undermine our ability to gain and maintain the trust of others. Instead of creating truly secure trusting relationships, we are inclined to seek and try to maintain positions of power and control.
The difference between, "Who is Boss," and, “Who will, Lead," is huge! To lead, someone, they have to be willing to follow.
When communication breaks down, our instinctive solution may be to use anger to, protect our interests by manipulating others. We may become convinced that reasoning either doesn’t work, or requires too much effort. We may even feel that the other person needs to be taught a lesson.
Each of us has an arsenal of weapons to call up on when we become angry. Many of us have fairly harmless weapons that we use to show our displeasure, like changing our tone of voice, ignoring, and dismissing, or superficial ridicule.
These actions are often unkind and may damage relationships, but usually are not effective in causing serious harm to the other person. Others of us become so intensely focused when threatened or in a conflict that we cause great harm. Our attacks and control may be so effective that we may completely undermine our partner’s sense of well being or put their very life in danger.
The more dangerous your weapons are, the more important it is to address your innate abusive tendencies and habits.
If you have ever lost your temper in a way that has caused you shame and humiliation, or caused your loved ones to fear you, you know what I am talking about!
In Recovery we recognize the importance of Admitting and accepting our, “tendency to do the wrong thing.” In Christian terms this tendency is called our sin nature. A second Recovery principle is to realize that in ourselves, that is, without God’s help; we are Powerless to remove any of these tendencies from our lives.
We may be able to keep them in check for a period of time through our own efforts, or cover them and pretend they no longer exist, hoping they will go away, but like covering blackberry vines with sod in a new yard, eventually they return!
Repeatedly, and consistently they return! If not dealt with properly, no matter how hard we try, they will return! With each handout I have included a, "Cycle of Violence," or similar diagram to remind us of this fact. Let’s stop and take a look at how it all got started.
Instinctive tendencies are present at birth without being learned. A newborn baby’s motivation and ability to smile with eye contact or suckle at the breast are both instinctive. Self-soothing by sucking the thumb is an instinct that develops into a habit.
Habits are learned behaviors, but may have their foundations in instincts. Habits if repeated, or “practiced" sufficiently can become almost instinctive in nature.
Like instincts, many habits seem automatic because they are done without thinking.
If you have developed a pattern of behaviors (instinctive or habit) that accompany your anger, you are typical. We all function this way. As children we act impulsively. As we mature we learn to interrupt these impulses with conscience thought.
In time we learn to identify goals and make choices. We move from automatic, to deliberate. When any of us become sufficiently distracted by intense stress or emotions, we tend to revert back to our impulses.
I am sure many of you have said, "I didn't mean it! It was an accident! Because the event wasn't planned or deliberate! Well, it's time to become Deliberate; Deliberate, Trustworthy and Effective Leaders!
Through the coming weeks we will examine the early, and late physical and emotional signs of being overwhelmed, and of anger. We will look at the thoughts that accompany the habits and instinctive tendencies we practice. In this way we will increase our awareness of what is happening.
When communication breaks down, our instinctive solution may be to use anger to, protect our interests by manipulating others. We may become convinced that reasoning either doesn’t work, or requires too much effort. We may even feel that the other person needs to be taught a lesson.
Each of us has an arsenal of weapons to call up on when we become angry. Many of us have fairly harmless weapons that we use to show our displeasure, like changing our tone of voice, ignoring, and dismissing, or superficial ridicule.
These actions are often unkind and may damage relationships, but usually are not effective in causing serious harm to the other person. Others of us become so intensely focused when threatened or in a conflict that we cause great harm. Our attacks and control may be so effective that we may completely undermine our partner’s sense of well being or put their very life in danger.
The more dangerous your weapons are, the more important it is to address your innate abusive tendencies and habits.
If you have ever lost your temper in a way that has caused you shame and humiliation, or caused your loved ones to fear you, you know what I am talking about!
Our goal is to change this situation!
In Recovery we recognize the importance of Admitting and accepting our, “tendency to do the wrong thing.” In Christian terms this tendency is called our sin nature. A second Recovery principle is to realize that in ourselves, that is, without God’s help; we are Powerless to remove any of these tendencies from our lives.
We may be able to keep them in check for a period of time through our own efforts, or cover them and pretend they no longer exist, hoping they will go away, but like covering blackberry vines with sod in a new yard, eventually they return!
Repeatedly, and consistently they return! If not dealt with properly, no matter how hard we try, they will return! With each handout I have included a, "Cycle of Violence," or similar diagram to remind us of this fact. Let’s stop and take a look at how it all got started.
Instinctive tendencies are present at birth without being learned. A newborn baby’s motivation and ability to smile with eye contact or suckle at the breast are both instinctive. Self-soothing by sucking the thumb is an instinct that develops into a habit.
Habits are learned behaviors, but may have their foundations in instincts. Habits if repeated, or “practiced" sufficiently can become almost instinctive in nature.
Like instincts, many habits seem automatic because they are done without thinking.
If you have developed a pattern of behaviors (instinctive or habit) that accompany your anger, you are typical. We all function this way. As children we act impulsively. As we mature we learn to interrupt these impulses with conscience thought.
In time we learn to identify goals and make choices. We move from automatic, to deliberate. When any of us become sufficiently distracted by intense stress or emotions, we tend to revert back to our impulses.
I am sure many of you have said, "I didn't mean it! It was an accident! Because the event wasn't planned or deliberate! Well, it's time to become Deliberate; Deliberate, Trustworthy and Effective Leaders!
Through the coming weeks we will examine the early, and late physical and emotional signs of being overwhelmed, and of anger. We will look at the thoughts that accompany the habits and instinctive tendencies we practice. In this way we will increase our awareness of what is happening.
As we continue, we will focus our attention on becoming aware of the process of, loosing control.
Many of us have minimized the process of loosing control, assuming that there is no problem unless unacceptable consequences occur. We may even view the consequences, as being the problem. We may feel that we are being harassed by the police, and judges with unfair court fines, and restraining orders, or by social workers, landlords, and angry bosses instead of realizing that our actions and attitudes are causing us big problems.
During an instance of displayed rage or anger others can easily see when you are becoming stressed, when you were beginning to be irate, when you were beginning to loose control, when you cross the boundaries of other people even if you don't completely loose control.
The consequences of your abusive behavior are a late sign of a process that has usually been going on for some time.
Although the police and neighbors were not involved in the early phases of the conflict, there were still hidden consequences!
Trust was being replaced with hurt, apprehension and fear and resentment and bitterness may have taken root. These are not acceptable goals in relationships with the ones that we say we love!
Many of us have minimized the process of loosing control, assuming that there is no problem unless unacceptable consequences occur. We may even view the consequences, as being the problem. We may feel that we are being harassed by the police, and judges with unfair court fines, and restraining orders, or by social workers, landlords, and angry bosses instead of realizing that our actions and attitudes are causing us big problems.
As we become Deliberate Leaders, our first goal is to recognize the process of loosing self control.
Our second; is to interrupt it early, before it has developed enough momentum to become a problem.
Since we usually don't experience consequences in the early stages of an incident, it is easy to think that everything that is happening is ok. This belief is simply Denial, and anyone watching us from the sidelines would agree.During an instance of displayed rage or anger others can easily see when you are becoming stressed, when you were beginning to be irate, when you were beginning to loose control, when you cross the boundaries of other people even if you don't completely loose control.
The consequences of your abusive behavior are a late sign of a process that has usually been going on for some time.
Although the police and neighbors were not involved in the early phases of the conflict, there were still hidden consequences!
Trust was being replaced with hurt, apprehension and fear and resentment and bitterness may have taken root. These are not acceptable goals in relationships with the ones that we say we love!
Our third goal is to work to create new replacement habits and beliefs to short-circuit our old habits.
Collossians 3:8-10
8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.
9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds;
10 And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created you:
This requires a change; a significant change in our being. Here again we recognize our dependency on God to change us from the inside out as we surrender and place our trust in Him.
Ephesians 4:22-32
22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;
23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.
25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor: for we are members one of another.
26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
27 Neither give place to the devil.
28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
In the beginning, these new behaviors and attitudes will often be a conscious choice, and may feel uncomfortable or unnatural, but as they become routine, and become grounded in the reality of clear and decisive thinking they will feel surprisingly comfortable and require much less conscience effort.
Initially simplistic solutions like walking away from a frustrating situation, channeling our adrenaline through exercises, or following a routine that relaxes our muscles and lowers adrenalin level will be essential. Eventually, our new behaviors, and attitudes will become habitual, and the actions that have proven effective in short-circuiting angry outbursts will become routine.
Our third goal will be to rebuild our relationships, and make amends to those we have harmed. We will work to develop maturity in areas where it was lacking, and create a safe environment where trusting relationships can flourish.
Let's Stop and Consider...
1. Have you noticed any habits or instinctive tendencies that show up during conflicts and create trouble?
2. Describe what you experience.
3. Does it ever feel like it is happening automatically.
4. How often does it feel out of control to you?
5. Does this behavior frightened people?
6. What is your goal when this is happening?
(Aggressive as in boundary breakers)
Conversationally
Demanding or expecting others to tell more than they want too.
Moving to a personal level without invitation or against resistance.
Relationships
Ridiculing or disregarding resistance to probing questions.
Assuming or expecting trust that is not warranted.
Becoming preoccupied, or obsessing over what others say or do.
Expecting others to adapt their behavior to please you.
Sexuality
Being sexual when not invited, disregarding refusals and limits.
Being sexual with disregard for commitments to others or reputation.
Awareness
Paying little concerned when you invade someone’s boundaries.
Taking advantage when someone displays poor boundaries.
Interactions
Pushing food, gifts, touch, even when not wanted.
9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds;
10 And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created you:
This requires a change; a significant change in our being. Here again we recognize our dependency on God to change us from the inside out as we surrender and place our trust in Him.
Ephesians 4:22-32
22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;
(Our human lust for power or control is very self deceiving and entangles a majority of our social motivations.)
23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.
25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor: for we are members one of another.
26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
27 Neither give place to the devil.
28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Initially simplistic solutions like walking away from a frustrating situation, channeling our adrenaline through exercises, or following a routine that relaxes our muscles and lowers adrenalin level will be essential. Eventually, our new behaviors, and attitudes will become habitual, and the actions that have proven effective in short-circuiting angry outbursts will become routine.
Our third goal will be to rebuild our relationships, and make amends to those we have harmed. We will work to develop maturity in areas where it was lacking, and create a safe environment where trusting relationships can flourish.
Let's Stop and Consider...
1. Have you noticed any habits or instinctive tendencies that show up during conflicts and create trouble?
2. Describe what you experience.
3. Does it ever feel like it is happening automatically.
4. How often does it feel out of control to you?
5. Does this behavior frightened people?
6. What is your goal when this is happening?
(Aggressive as in boundary breakers)
Conversationally
Demanding or expecting others to tell more than they want too.
Moving to a personal level without invitation or against resistance.
Relationships
Ridiculing or disregarding resistance to probing questions.
Assuming or expecting trust that is not warranted.
Becoming preoccupied, or obsessing over what others say or do.
Expecting others to adapt their behavior to please you.
Sexuality
Being sexual when not invited, disregarding refusals and limits.
Being sexual with disregard for commitments to others or reputation.
Awareness
Paying little concerned when you invade someone’s boundaries.
Taking advantage when someone displays poor boundaries.
Interactions
Pushing food, gifts, touch, even when not wanted.
Touching a person without asking.
Imposing on those that lack assertiveness and limit setting abilities.
Personal Power
Directing and controlling the life of others, denying them choices, and attempting to define or determining their preferences according to your needs.
Self Care
All forms of self abuse, especially when trying to get others to take care of you.
Excusing and blaming others for your addictions or addictive behaviors.
Retaliating or punitively withdrawing and becoming isolated when disappointed.
Avoiding personal growth, maturity, and healthy relationships.
Expectations
Believing you can anticipate and control others and their needs.
Expecting others to magically know and fulfill your needs regardless of their situation.
Expecting others to pick up the pieces of your mistakes or negligence.
Personal Power
Directing and controlling the life of others, denying them choices, and attempting to define or determining their preferences according to your needs.
Self Care
All forms of self abuse, especially when trying to get others to take care of you.
Excusing and blaming others for your addictions or addictive behaviors.
Retaliating or punitively withdrawing and becoming isolated when disappointed.
Avoiding personal growth, maturity, and healthy relationships.
Expectations
Believing you can anticipate and control others and their needs.
Expecting others to magically know and fulfill your needs regardless of their situation.
Expecting others to pick up the pieces of your mistakes or negligence.
The Paths of Anger
(Where do you spend your time?)
Please refer to (Page 2, Sidewalk)
source http://www.ecgoldkey.us/anger/anger-behavior-cycle
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