(6) Foundations (The Tyranny of self)

 Foundations

The Tyranny of Self

It has been said, “Any man who can work for no one but himself, has a tyrant for a boss.” As we can see from the list of defense mechanisms, our perceived need for control and our attempts to manipulate our world can become an all-consuming task!

These efforts can consume both our conscious and unconscious thoughts. These needs manipulate our emotions, and block our ability to see ourselves and those around us clearly.

Because of these needs, we often disqualify ourselves from meaningful and satisfying relationships. Instead of improving our circumstances, we tend to sustain or even intensify our losses. Through the defense mechanisms (described in the last chapter) we can achieve a momentary sense of power, and even relief, but our circumstances often worsen, and we may find ourselves more and more out of control with each effort.

But why are our efforts so misguided?

Earl Jabay, in his book, “The God Players,” talks about our human condition, and our tendency to work to establish ourselves as rulers over our world.

photo from http://www.mykidsite.com/category/baby-pictures/sleeping/page/7/

"The first thing a baby does when he comes into the world is to establish his kingdom…The baby cries. He wants service…."

"Each time “the king” cries out, he is obeyed."

In a typical day, “the king” has about six feedings and three bowel movements. Roughly nine times each day he tests the authority of his kingdom, and each time he is gratified with the results. All he has to do is cry and someone comes running to attend to his needs. Obviously he is the center of the world, and the world exists for him. He is as a God!…

We Are All Very Needy

As infants, we express our discomfort, and disturb those around us until our needs are met. The internal churning, and restlessness, that comes with anxiety gnaws at us and goads us on. It drives us to recognize that we have needs. It agitates us to try out different approaches to get them met.

If the adults caring for us are consistent, we will also experience comfort, and contentment. If their care is sustained for a long period of time, we will learn to tolerate discomfort and trust others. Eventually we will learn to self-soothe and care for ourselves independently.

This maturation process is a wonderful thing, but it does not remove the option of returning to our original pattern of neediness. When emotionally overwhelmed, the pattern of becoming internally agitated, and subsequently agitating those around us is ever present. 

It is at the foundation of our being.

Fortunately God is not troubled by our neediness;

 

(It has been woven into His plan.)

He has locked it into our hearts to energize and prod us forward to mature and grow. Because of it we struggle onward to form deep emotional connections. As we mature we learn to surrender some of our need for, “God-like,” control and accept a position more equal with those around us.

In time we will develop mutual trust, and attain a sense of security, adequacy and even well being.

But what if for some reason we are unable to attain this maturity on every level? 

What if we continue to have areas of deep fear and mistrust?

What if we are unwilling to surrender our belief that we need to be in control and have power over the questionable areas of our lives?

What if we discount the value and dignity of those around us and continue to believe and act as though we are entitled.

What if we refuse to recognize that our neediness is pushing us to abuse those around us.

Now we see ourselves justified in our expectations. The discomfort makes it imperative that we maneuver to maintain dominance and control.

We may have to be calculating, we may have to be manipulative, even deceptive, if that is what is necessary to get our needs met! 

We deserve it! We have our rights! 

It is wrong to deprive us of what we deserve!

Jabay continues:

When a small child cannot be powerful, he can be cunning and devious…. Nothing protects the king’s ego as well as a lie, if it succeeds… If one can add to that an exhibition of growing talent and even an eagerness to please…, so much the better….

photo from  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3129689/Are-killing-dog-kindness-single-sausage-canine-equivalent-THREE-burgers.html

Although getting our needs met is important, doing it by diminishing the value of those around us cheapens and degrades our world and we become unable to receive much of what they have to offer us.

When we usurp the authority that rightly belongs to God we experience a great loss! Our emotional and spiritual sense of loss is real. We are correct to believe that things should be better, but our ability to bring it about in ourselves has been lost!

As little gods we blame, judge and condemn, reasoning, “I deserve better than this! This world sucks! Why can’t they do what is fair. I know what is right! They should too! Their weaknesses and hypocrisy is sickening! It makes me angry! They deserve whatever happens!

Jabay continues:
The rebelling adolescent (or adult) is so intoxicated with his delusions that the suffering he is inflicting upon his loved ones does not even register with him. The king is sensitive only to his own feelings. He is obedient to none but himself. (emphasis added)

Jabay summarizes:
The authority issue--- We might call it the ”god-problem” is the core problem in human life. And it is almost insultingly simple. It seeks to answer the question,

Who will be Number One?

God,

(which includes those who represent Him)

or

Self

Holy Hostility?

(righteous indignation?)

(or just plain old sin?)

Following are some well-known stages of hostility. Study them carefully and see if you can discover when a person would cross the line dividing the realm of humanity from the realm of being a god.

1. I want something.

2. I didn’t get what I want and I’m frustrated.

3. It is terrible and awful not to get what I want; therefore, I must have it!

4. You should not frustrate me! I must have my way.

5. You are bad for frustrating me.

6. Bad people ought to be punished.

7. I am justified in punishing you.

 

What are the attributes of GOD?

What are the attributes of human beings?

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

(Aggressive)

Conversationally
-Demanding or expecting others to tell more than they want too.

-Moving to a personal level without invitation or against resistance.

Relationships
-Ridiculing or disregarding resistance to probing questions.
-Assuming or expecting trust that is not warranted.
-Becoming preoccupied, or obsessing over what others think.
-Expecting others to adapt their behavior to please you.

Sexuality
-Being sexual when not invited, disregarding refusals and limits.
-Being sexual with disregard for commitments to others or reputation.

Self Awareness
-Paying little concerned when you invade someone’s Boundaries
-Taking advantage when someone displays poor boundaries.

Interactions
-Pushing food, gifts, touch, even when not wanted.
-Touching a person without asking.
-Imposing on those that lack assertiveness and limit setting abilities.

Personal Power
-Directing and controlling the life of others, denying them choices, and attempting to define or determining their identity.

Self care
-All foams of self abuse, especially when trying to get others to take care of you.
-Excusing and blaming others for your addictions or addictive behaviors.
-Retaliating or punitively withdrawing and becoming isolated when disappointed.
-Avoiding personal growth, maturity, and healthy relationships.

Expectations
-Believing you can anticipate and control others and their needs.
-Expecting others to magically know and fulfill your needs regardless of their situation.
-Expecting others to pick up the pieces of your mistakes.

diagram from  http://phoenix-project.org/what-is-domestic-violence/

We Can

Stop the Abuse!

By the Grace of God