More than Management | A Devotional for Surrendering Toxic Habits | A Support Group Guide
A Recovery Guide for forming accountability groups. To recognize self defeating ways of communicating. To create accountability through study and journaling in a support group setting. To gain insight, perspective and resilience and lessen frustration, despair and isolation. To grow in integrity and strength of character and turn from neglect or abuse to genuine fellowship with God and His people. This is a supplement, not a replacement to Celebrate Recovery. See more at: www.jackandcarlayoutube
Secrets, isolation and shame are what abusers and their loved ones have in common.
Support is what is needed to gain the courage to see our thoughts emotions and actions as they really are.
Recovery is the process of recognizing our tendencies and accepting ourselves right where we are at. It is the act of shouldering our responsibility for all of our choices.
Recognizing our own denial is the first lesson in Recovery.
The video above is an extreme case, but the principles are universal whether overwhelmed with anger or fear, her story is well worth the watch!
habits ARE LIKE cats SAFE AND FRIENDLY
OR SADISTICALLY CRUEL WHEN FEEDING? WHAT KIND OF HABIT DO YOU FEED? ONE AT your side, under PURPOSEFUL control... oR one that SEEKS TO CONTROL you?
ARE YOU NAIVELY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT YOUR COMPANIONS AND THE FUTURE THEY OFFER?
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Recovery addresses most of our relational human needs.
How?
Through appropriate connections:
In Recovery we learn how to accept help and supportfrom others. We also learn to avoid unhealthy dependency.
In recovery we gain freedom as we learn to recognize and exercise personal responsibility for our own attitudes and actions.
In recovery we learn self awareness as we become honest and accurate in examining both our strengths and our personal flaws and limitations.
In recovery we gain purpose through giving back.
We gain resilienceand new perspectiveas hidden parts of our life takes on new meaning and hope springs from what in the past may have only been experienced as wasteful and hurtful and suffering.
Accepting relationships based on candor and honestyfoster healthy personal growth:
In a sense, Recovery can be viewed like a re-parenting process of the self in the context of a support group.
As children, if we experienced healthy parenting; We were encouraged to express our struggles to caring supportive people in honesty and candor. We were encouraged to identify and admit to our limitations and yet optimistically trust that healing, growth, acceptance and maturity are natural and can happen for us. We were encouraged to accept consequences and make amends for harm we had done to others and to put past hurts behind us through actions like evaluating our responses, exploring appropriate confrontation and forgiveness and release of control and examining the effects we experienced. We were encouraged to accept the hard realities of life and find meaning, purpose and growth in the process. With success we are expected to help others to achieve these same goals as we parent or mentor the next generation. From the Recovery perspective, these are lifelong endeavors. The Goal of Recovery is balanced maturity:
It is to accept ourselves and our present life just as it is, and to grow toward functioning at our highest potential in spite of disabling setbacks. It is to work to authenticate and integrate, each area in our life and to find our meaningful place and purpose in family and community.
So who needs it?
All of us could benefit since all of us have faults and shortcomings, and each of us experience stress, and struggles in life. Without support life can easily become overwhelming.
Have you ever surprised yourself with the intensity of your own emotions and reactions? Have you ever acted in ways that are completely opposite to your values or goals? Do you find yourself isolating with fears or secrets, or preoccupied with compulsively seeking control or comfort?
Most of us, when we struggle, try to isolate the problem to limit its negative effects. This often leads to concealing that area and keeping secrets, sometimes even from ourselves. This is called denial, and is often driven by shame. This is the opposite of experiencing support.
Escalation happens when we fail to secure what may seem like positive goals, but actually are attempts to control the beliefs, attitudes and actions of others. When we fail, we mayattempt to bolster our own sense of emotional control through comfort or compulsive actions like overeating, overspending, overachieving, drinking to excess, drug abuse, inappropriate sexual behavior and...you name it....
Faulty life management:
Compartmentalization is a common way that we deal with stress. In an effort to simplify life we separate areas of activity, roles, and expectations to meet the needs of the moment. It is the process of breaking the complexity of our personal lives down to the many individual roles we find ourselves playing. It is much like breaking a large overwhelming project down into smaller more manageable pieces.
From infancy, our family, caregivers and peers either help or hinder us as we shape ourselves to effectively adapt to the many different roles we will play. After childhood, roughly every 7 years throughout our lives we encounter significant times of transitioning. These are usually times of increased emotional intensity, and vulnerability.
When we transition successful, we become equipped to deal with varieties of challenges without loosing our core sense of self and our core values. Optimally our many roles work together in a way that is congruous and mutually supportive. This is called integration. Together they provide a broad base for inward emotional security and outward social ease and acceptance by others.
If however, we fail in one or several of
these areas, this stability is jeopardized.
Consider the following illustration of the "Unsinkable Titanic."
Imagine each of the bulkheads (area between the dark lines) as a role such as, son or daughter, friend, associate, peer, employee, husband or wife, father or mother, partner, church member, one of the guys, or girls, teammate, e.t.c.
(on phone, double tap picture to zoom in and back arrow to return to reading)
Theoretically the bulkheads on the Titanic were high enough and strong enough that even severe damage to several sections would not cause the ship to loose its floatation. Unfortunately the compromised sections in the front failed so severely that they affected the adjoining section, which affected the next, and the next, … eventually sinking the "Unsinkable Ship."
Similarly when we have an area in our life that becomes out of control, it can drag down other areas, causing our lives to flounder for a time, and possibly shipwreck in a similar manner.
Breaking Shame and Isolation:
The structure and encouragement offered in Recovery challenges us to connect with others to both give and receive support as we complete a moral inventory. This entails examining each area of our life, in honesty and candor from birth to the present moment. Here we admit to God and to another human being the exact nature of our faults and shortcomings. Together, we process our past actions with their outcomes as well as examining our present choices with hopes for better future outcomes.
In a sense it is to go back through the compartments of our own Titanic and assure that each of the compartments are intact and providing floatation both for ourselves and for those around us. It is to review the past from the present perspective and assure that our voyage is currently on course and progressing toward its' designated destination. The other steps help assure it continues on schedule and remains on this course.
Does everyone Need recovery?
As chaos decreases stress also decreases and most of us will return to a more, "normal experience," but for some of us, things will progress to a crisis. The crisis is what usually motivates a person to consider Recovery, sometimes even by recommendation of a judge in a court order.
Most commit to recovery when the pain of negative life consequences, exceed the fear of being labeled as, "irregular."
I guess the real question is, “How much pain are you willing to endure or inflict and how long are you willing committed to hiding it?
again I ask...
WHICH CAT IS LIKE YOUR HABIT?
IS IT SAFE AND FRIENDLY
in the box under your control?
OR IS IT CORNERING YOU?
and those you care about?
The Attitude of Recovery;
The attitudes of recovery can be summarized in the original Serenity Prayer below.
In this ”Men’s Anger Group Devotional,” We will take a thorough look at stress and anger, and how to have freedom and integrity even in very difficult circumstances.
This is not designed to be done in solitary. You can form a subgroup with as few as two, much like a step study at Celebrate Recovery or A A. But this should not replace the large group meeting or 12 step study group process.
This Devotional is meant to supplement a discipline like CR not replace it. If you have not attended a Celebrate Recovery I suggest you consider visiting. It will give you a place to talk with other men about your struggles and progress. I also suggest that you talk with your pastor or a trusted friend as to who you might ask to partner with as you go through this devotional. In the following posts we will examine what causes anger, and see how it affects our bodies, our emotions, and our thoughts. We will look carefully at our relationships, and how we communicate with others. We will also address the effects of thought and mood disorders as well as medication benefits and limitations.
We will gain resilience and grow in character as we build honest relationships with other men through accountability and follow through with our weekly assignments and sharing honestly.
We will learn how to utilize the principles of the 8 principle, 12-step process and grow in our personal relationship with Christ. Again, I strongly recommend that you attend and participate in the weekly CR meetings and a step study.
As we diligenty seek Him in this way, we will achieve...
ACCOUNTABILITY
Journaling tools will be provided with instruction on how to become more aware of stress and the way it affects your body, your thoughts, and your relationships. You will be encouraged to journal at least once each week, and be prepared to share at least some of your findings with your group.
The following post have questions or worksheets intended to foster thought, reflection, and prompt personal growth. You are encouraged to complete, and then be prepared to share at least some of your findings with your group.
STABILITY
At some points we will refer to the, “Celebrate Recovery,” material used in the large group. This material is a 12 step study focused on individual Christian Growth as related to overcoming various life obstacles and personal problems. The goal is to experience a more functional relationship with Jesus Christ and His family of believers, as well as improving our relationships with others in general.
SELF MANAGEMENT
As you create a small group and work through this material on a weekly basis you will be challenged in these postings to focus on different areas of your life ranging from internal sources of anger and how anger's effect on your body, and how it affects your relationships.
I encourage you to answer the questions as fully as possible in your journal,and not share or discuss them with spouse or people in general outside of your small group or Celebrate Recovery Group unless it is with your pastor or a counselor.
Although I am sure many of us would prefer to focus on a single area,
it takes time to make real changes that last.
Maturity, personal strength and emotional stability can only come through a well-rounded sustained approach.
Without it we will merely have temporary crisis management.
Please review the following prayer
Serenity Prayer
God
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; The courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it; Trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You Forever in the next.
Amen.
Reinhold Niebuhr, 1943.
What attitudes does this prayer call for?
Is this attitude reality based?
I believe that considering the midpoint,
"Taking as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is...
Not as I would have it."
helps keep my expectations reality based
as a Christ follower.
Are your current attitudes reality based?
GOT ANGER!
(Or does your anger have you?)
Abusive Tendencies
The closer someone is to us, the greater emotional power they have in our lives. Being with them can be our greatest source of pleasure, or a time of most intense unhappiness.
The sad thing is that we are all born with abusive tendencies that undermine our ability to gain and maintain the trust of others. Instead of creating truly secure trusting relationships, we are inclined to seek and try to maintain positions of power and control.
The difference between, "Who is Boss," and, “Who will, Lead," is huge! To lead, someone, they have to be willing to follow.
When communication breaks down, our instinctive solution may be to use anger to, protect our interests by manipulating others. We may become convinced that reasoning either doesn’t work, or requires too much effort. We may even feel that the other person needs to be taught a lesson.
Each of us has an arsenal of weapons to call up on when we become angry. Many of us have fairly harmless weapons that we use to show our displeasure, like changing our tone of voice, ignoring, and dismissing, or superficial ridicule.
These actions are often unkind and may damage relationships, but usually are not effective in causing serious harm to the other person. Others of us become so intensely focused when threatened or in a conflict that we cause great harm. Our attacks and control may be so effective that we may completely undermine our partner’s sense of well being or put their very life in danger.
The more dangerous your weapons are, the more important it is to address your innate abusive tendencies and habits.
If you have ever lost your temper in a way that has caused you shame and humiliation, or caused your loved ones to fear you, you know what I am talking about!
Our goal is to change this situation!
In Recovery we recognize the importance of Admitting and accepting our, “tendency to do the wrong thing.” In Christian terms this tendency is called our sin nature. A second Recovery principle is to realize that in ourselves, that is, without God’s help; we are Powerless to remove any of these tendencies from our lives.
We may be able to keep them in check for a period of time through our own efforts, or cover them and pretend they no longer exist, hoping they will go away, but like covering blackberry vines with sod in a new yard, eventually they return!
Repeatedly, and consistently they return! If not dealt with properly, no matter how hard we try, they will return! With each handout I have included a, "Cycle of Violence," or similar diagram to remind us of this fact. Let’s stop and take a look at how it all got started.
Instinctive tendencies are present at birth without being learned. A newborn baby’s motivation and ability to smile with eye contact or suckle at the breast are both instinctive. Self-soothing by sucking the thumb is an instinct that develops into a habit.
Habits are learned behaviors, but may have their foundations in instincts. Habits if repeated, or “practiced" sufficiently can become almost instinctive in nature.
Like instincts, many habits seem automatic because they are done without thinking.
If you have developed a pattern of behaviors (instinctive or habit) that accompany your anger, you are typical. We all function this way. As children we act impulsively. As we mature we learn to interrupt these impulses with conscience thought.
In time we learn to identify goals and make choices. We move from automatic, to deliberate. When any of us become sufficiently distracted by intense stress or emotions, we tend to revert back to our impulses.
I am sure many of you have said, "I didn't mean it! It was an accident! Because the event wasn't planned or deliberate! Well, it's time to become Deliberate; Deliberate, Trustworthy and Effective Leaders!
Through the coming weeks we will examine the early, and late physical and emotional signs of being overwhelmed, and of anger. We will look at the thoughts that accompany the habits and instinctive tendencies we practice. In this way we will increase our awareness of what is happening.
As we continue, we will focus our attention on becoming aware of the process of, loosing control.
Many of us have minimized the process of loosing control, assuming that there is no problem unless unacceptable consequences occur. We may even view the consequences, as being the problem. We may feel that we are being harassed by the police, and judges with unfair court fines, and restraining orders, or by social workers, landlords, and angry bosses instead of realizing that our actions and attitudes are causing us big problems.
As we become Deliberate Leaders, our first goal is to recognize the process of loosing self control.
Our second; is to interrupt it early, before it has developed enough momentum to become a problem.
Since we usually don't experience consequences in the early stages of an incident, it is easy to think that everything that is happening is ok. This belief is simply Denial, and anyone watching us from the sidelines would agree.
During an instance of displayed rage or anger others can easily see when you are becoming stressed, when you were beginning to be irate, when you were beginning to loose control, when you cross the boundaries of other people even if you don't completely loose control.
The consequences of your abusive behavior are a late sign of a process that has usually been going on for some time.
Although the police and neighbors were not involved in the early phases of the conflict, there were still hidden consequences!
Trust was being replaced with hurt, apprehension and fear and resentment and bitterness may have taken root. These are not acceptable goals in relationships with the ones that we say we love!
Our third goal is to work to create new replacement habits and beliefs to short-circuit our old habits.
Collossians 3:8-10
8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10 And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created you:
This requires a change; a significant change in our being. Here again we recognize our dependency on God to change us from the inside out as we surrender and place our trust in Him.
Ephesians 4:22-32 22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;
(Our human lust for power or control is very self deceiving and entangles a majority of our social motivations.)
23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; 24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. 25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor: for we are members one of another. 26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil. 28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. 29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
In the beginning, these new behaviors and attitudes will often be a conscious choice, and may feel uncomfortable or unnatural, but as they become routine, and become grounded in the reality of clear and decisive thinking they will feel surprisingly comfortable and require much less conscience effort.
Initially simplistic solutions like walking away from a frustrating situation, channeling our adrenaline through exercises, or following a routine that relaxes our muscles and lowers adrenalin level will be essential. Eventually, our new behaviors, and attitudes will become habitual, and the actions that have proven effective in short-circuiting angry outbursts will become routine.
Our third goal will be to rebuild our relationships, and make amends to those we have harmed. We will work to develop maturity in areas where it was lacking, and create a safe environment where trusting relationships can flourish.
Let's Stop and Consider...
1. Have you noticed any habits or instinctive tendencies that show up during conflicts and create trouble?
2. Describe what you experience.
3. Does it ever feel like it is happening automatically.
4. How often does it feel out of control to you?
5. Does this behavior frightened people?
6. What is your goal when this is happening?
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries (Aggressive as in boundary breakers)
Conversationally Demanding or expecting others to tell more than they want too. Moving to a personal level without invitation or against resistance.
Relationships Ridiculing or disregarding resistance to probing questions. Assuming or expecting trust that is not warranted. Becoming preoccupied, or obsessing over what others say or do. Expecting others to adapt their behavior to please you.
Sexuality Being sexual when not invited, disregarding refusals and limits. Being sexual with disregard for commitments to others or reputation.
Awareness Paying little concerned when you invade someone’s boundaries. Taking advantage when someone displays poor boundaries.
Interactions Pushing food, gifts, touch, even when not wanted.
Touching a person without asking.
Imposing on those that lack assertiveness and limit setting abilities.
Personal Power Directing and controlling the life of others, denying them choices, and attempting to define or determining their preferences according to your needs.
Self Care All forms of self abuse, especially when trying to get others to take care of you. Excusing and blaming others for your addictions or addictive behaviors. Retaliating or punitively withdrawing and becoming isolated when disappointed. Avoiding personal growth, maturity, and healthy relationships.
Expectations Believing you can anticipate and control others and their needs.
Expecting others to magically know and fulfill your needs regardless of their situation. Expecting others to pick up the pieces of your mistakes or negligence.
To say that this boy was unpopular is an understatement. His behavior was so unpopular that he was left to die, even though he could have easily been rescued, saving his life, and the lives of many sheep. The townspeople were frustrated, and their frustration became lethal! In the story both sides displayed passive aggressiveness.
This is one of the most common expressions of anger. We will talk about forms of anger later.
Today we will talk about false alarms.
Most of us are probably aware that our physical bodies have a built in alarm system. If you aren’t, you haven’t been paying attention. This alarm system is no small thing! When it is activated it is impossible to ignore!
For some reason we find our bodies receiving emergency signals as though someone inside of us were dialing 911. Although it can be extremely uncomfortable, it is an amazing system.
The strong emotion of FEARprovides an important function.
It can be fear of danger, or the fear of the loss of control of something important to us, like possessions, relationships, reputation, etc.…
This emotion motivates us to instant action triggering our physical bodies to react with a survival reflex called the “Fight or Flight Stress Response.” It is our emergency reaction to danger. It prepares us to attack and defend, or retreat and escape!
The release of adrenalin causes our heart rate to speed up providing increased blood supply to our large muscles. Our breathing rate and depth increase to provide more oxygen. Sugar is released from the liver, to provide instant energy and increase sensory alertness in the brain, whileconcept processing faculties are placed on hold, and we go into a reaction mode of thinking.
Hearing intensifies, where we can frequently hear our own heartbeat, the pupils of our eyes dilate, and eyesight shifts to distance vision. Multiple other hormones are released that shut down our digestive processes, often causing a sour stomach. They also modify the lining of our blood vessels in preparation for clotting or vasoconstriction to minimize blood loss from injury.
Even the irritating sweat glands are activated to provide cooling for optimal endurance.
EVERYTHING IS GEARED FOR ACTION.
What about our thinking? While we are in reaction mode our thoughts are racing to our defense, even as our bodies are!
We tend to be oppositional, quick to make accusations, and may even behostile. It is difficult for us to slow down and processdetails, or evaluate our circumstances objectively.
We are intent on identifying threats of harm or loss. We are protecting ourselves from them. Whileon the defensivewe maylash out and attack anyone who seems to pose a threat.
Others respond differently. Some people become paralyzed and freeze, unable to fight or flight. Their bodies are giving the same type of signals, but waves of paralyzing anxiety rather than rage or anger are the outcome.
Still others react to the internal release of adrenalin by directing the negative energy somewhere inside of themselves. It is as though the overwhelming stress becomes frozen inside, where it doesn’t seem to be available to hurt anyone. Some have described Depression in this manner, with the name, ”Frozen Anger,” More tolerable for the moment, but building inside, affecting our bodies, and emotions, and changing what we believe about ourselves and those around us.
But what if your life is not in danger?
You probably can remember times when you have been shaking; sweating, and you could hear your heart pounding. You probably felt unable to think straight. You may have had a knot in your stomach and felt short of breath. All of this after someone simply said something upsetting to you. What happened?
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HARDWIRED FOR ACTION
In the model,
“#1 EXTERNAL OCCURRENCES,” includes the things that you are presently experiencing that cause you stress or pain and may be perceived as a threat and are often out of your control.
---- All of the steps that follow can with practice be ---- under your voluntary control
“# 2 YOUR MIND,” includes your surface thoughts about yourself and the things you consider important at the present time. It is quickly flooded with emotional content, (represented by the black arrow) during a 911 response. The quality of content and accuracy of your perceptions are influenced by the deeper emotions of your heart, which in turn are a result of your heredity, history and habits. Your surface thought will report the content of your deeper emotions when you are experiencing stress.
-- King James MATTHEW 12:34b …for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.
When in reaction mode, your surface thoughts change to:
S elf Talk
---personalizing the discomfort, linking current emotions with past emotional experiences and beliefs held in your heart. (Activity: talking to yourself underyour breath, in our mind)
Expectations
----of an attack, your body is telling you something Is wrong! It is imperative that you find out what; and protect yourself!
E valuation
---Deciding how to protect yourself, to escape or attack! (blaming, antagonizing, accusing, resentful, bitter thoughts and beliefs.)
W ronged
R ejected
A ttacked
T hreatened
H elpless
Your conclusion: That your emotional suspicions, and beliefs are true, and that you have to react at this moment. It seems imperatively justified!
-- King James JAMES 1:20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
“#3 WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART, or, “GUT,” These are the deeper emotions described in #2, and include strong values, beliefs, or feelings that move you internally. You may not be aware of many of them until they come to the surface. Some make sense and some seem illogical. These include the area of thought commonly called the subconscious, but are not so much ideas or concepts, as emotional memories that carry a great deal of expressive motivational energy. These impulses are deposited through emotional experiences, (History). The content is influenced by our genetic predisposition, (Heritage), parental and social influences, habitual response patterns, and the adaptations to stress we have learned through the emotional history of our life, (Habits).
“YOUR REFLEX REACTION,” presents the path of least resistance that we take when we react to a situation without taking the time to think it through carefully. This action is frequently energized by the, “fight or flight, stress response,” described earlier. It is greatly influenced by the feelings we have from our past, experiences. It is usually motivated by our beliefs and empowered when our heart or gut responses are stirred up and our thoughts are not examined objectively. All four of the response patterns listed in this model are ROOTED IN FEAR. All of them can become habitual responses, and although their use requires a great deal of energy, much more thought and energy would be required to change them then to let them continue in their habitual manner.
“#4 HOW YOU RESPOND AFFECTS WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART, or, “GUT,” Human beings are creatures of habit, and tend to avoid effort if it seems unnecessary. We reinforce the beliefs we already hold, unless there is an impending consequence for not doing so. Our minds and emotions prefer to follow the well worn paths that provide a sense of security. Although limited exploration and change can be stimulating, we prefer to experience it on our own terms, and avoid it at times of overwhelming stress. The effects of increased adrenalin on our thinking further reduces our ability to objectively review and benefit from negative experiences. The saying, “It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks,” applies here. Unless we are willing to, “Put off the old man,” we are unlikely to change at all and will usually reinforce and strengthen our negative patterns until their consequences become so uncomfortable that we are forced to change.
-- New Living Ephesians 4:21-22 Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from Him, throw off the old sinful nature and your former ways of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception.
Emergency Plan
In the Serenity Prayer we ask God to Grant us Serenity to accept what we cannot change, to give us the Courage to change the things we can, and Wisdom to know the difference!
At this point in our recovery we are beginning to learn that we cannot control the thoughts, actions and feelings of other people. Hopefully we can also admit that we have been unable (on our own), to change many of our own thoughts, or the way that we feel about particular persons or a situation.
We also need to admit that we have been unable to change our Response Pattern for handling conflict for any sustained period of time.
Even so, there are many things that we do have control of regardless of our emotional state. If we pause for a moment, we can identify the early stages of our stress response and learn to leave the situation before further trust is lost or damage is done. As we experience a threat of loss, or become defensive, it becomes difficult for us to listen effectively.
This creates a perfect opportunity for us to demonstrate Genuine Leadership.
A Sane or Wise Response would be to state,
“What you are saying is important to me, but I am having trouble listening right now, (because of my emotional state).
I am going to leave, but I will return, or contact you, in 40 -60 minutes, when I feel calmer to hear what you have to say,” (the Fight or Flight Stress Response lasts approximately 40 minutes).
Even if things are being thrown at you as you leave the conflict, you have avoided further escalation, humiliation, police, etc.
It is very important that you contact the person at the stated time, but it may be better to resume the conversation in a public place like a coffee shop, or restaurant.
1 Corinthians 10:13 States,” There is no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted above what you are able; but will with the temptation also make a way of escape , that you may be able to bear it.
He promises to walk with us through the process to victory, but the process isn’t taken away. He is capable of bringing you to a place of honor, even through the things that have caused you shame. He loves you more than you love yourself!
